Sometimes when my iPhone's battery is low, I'll use it unplugged near its charger. Just to remind it that it serves at the pleasure of me.

I'll tell you why there are no flying cars. Most people can't drive well in a car that only goes forward and backward. Now hush.

Asked 5 what the best part of last week's field trip was. Him: "Being with you dad."

Hope he doesn't find out how powerful he is.

I prefer Twitter spammers to email ones. Here they perform the useful function of making me look more popular than I am.

Lost a follower today. I've tweeted about Apple and the Vatican. I blame original sin for the loss.

I think I could pull off dreadlocks. Especially if they were on someone old and slow.

Kids look cute while sleeping as a defense mechanism designed to make you forget what they did while awake.

On a related note, manufacturers: don't tell me the "best if used before" date tell me the "don't eat after" date.

I pretend I'm working intimate venues by crafting tweets that only appeal to 3 or 4 of my followers at a time.

There's nothing quite like the soft silence that ensues right after everyone has pleasured themselves via their tweets.

Make you a deal. You don't buy a black light and I'll go halfsies on your laundry detergent. #ShitMyStalkerSays

Twitter evolution: how do I tweet? Will you answer my tweet? How do I get followers? There's too many to read. Deleting my account. I'm back

I prefer to call my fat "muscle substitute".

Sometimes my thumbs and the iPhone autocorrect conspire to ruin my tweets.

Most other times it's the content.

Part of me thinks the Bi-Polar Express jokes started way too early this year. Another part of me is fine with it.

Went to brush hair from my ear and realized it originated from my ear. The descent has begun.

When it's quiet on Twitter, I imagine everyone rereading my timeline to savor the extra layers of rich content in my tweets.

Just read that to increase my followers I should tweet during peak times.

Hope the wife doesn't get upset.

I have my tweets set to autostar for your convenience.

I'll be serving leftover tweets for the next few days. I'll try to make them look different, but we know the truth.