"I just met an 80s soul singer at the top of London's tallest building."
"Shard, eh?"
"No, Lisa Stansfield."

#thatcherfilms Honey, I Shrunk The Kids Chances Of Success Later In Life

I sometimes imagine that Operation Yewtree is a police officer throwing darts at a 1978 Look In annual.

The death of a young person is tragic whether it's in Oslo, Somalia or London. There's no ranking system.

#toiletbands My Cubicle Romance

RT @tarek_hamade: If Ryan Giggs wife walks out on him & takes 50% of everything,she'll have 6 more Premier League medals than Steven Gerrard

Hey Hugo, can you calculate the velocity of THISROUNDHOUSETOTHEFACE? #childgenius

Surely Trevor Nelson was eliminated in the heats. #closingceremony

#twitterblackout is trending. Surely the most epic of Twitter fails.

#celebritiesdoingthingsthatrhymewiththeirname Kanye West impregnating a pest.

#sillynames Mike Oxlong

Vince is like someone gave Billy Idol a progesterone injection and fired him through Clair's Accessories from a cannon. #TheVoice

Spice Girls musical: Stop right now. Thank you very much.

I know a Spanish guy who works backstage at burlesque shows untangling corsets. He's a basque separatist.

Martine McCutcheon's bowels must be like the Log Flume at Alton Towers by now. #Activia

Topless Savile on the front page of the Mirror today. Next week, Rosemary West wearing a basque and stroking a kitten.

Apparently one member of Blue gets really scared watching The Wizard Of Oz. I reckon it's the coward Lee Ryan.

I think Bill Paxton is the only actor to be killed by a Predator, an Alien and a Terminator.

Natalie Sawyer, unlike Liverpool, has no problems up front. #ssn

We shouldn't forget The Sun (Hillsborough lies), The Mirror (fake torture photos) & The Star (fake anti-Muslim stories) are also atrocious.