I'm not scared of rehab. 90 days in sweatpants, drinking coffee and talking about me all day sounds fucking magical.

Ladies, I adore you, but some of you need to cover up your tits and read a book.

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won't show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. - men

You're emotionally handicapped and completely unavailable? I guess I have no option other than dedicating all of my time and energy to you.

This is all stupid and we are all idiots.

I'm smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven't spilled 1 drop of my beer. I'm the best driver ever.

If you're not willing to have a cocktail in a sippy cup so you can drink in the shower, I really question your dedication to alcoholism.

I don't get mad, I get meh. It makes mad people really really mad.

I just had sober sex. That was horrifying

Life is hard, even for me and I'm pretty and white.

I can't fall asleep right now, I'm too busy counting how many hours of sleep I will get if I fall asleep right now.

SORRY I TALKED ABOUT FEELINGS AND MADE YOUR LIFE ALL WEIRD

Its ok if you have a small dick, someone will still love you anyway. Not me, but someone will.

"Cunt is such an offensive word." - cunts

If twitter has taught you anything, then you were phenomenally stupid when you got here.

Dear God, make me a bird so I can shit on people from far far away.

Bitches want you to think that they are strong, confident women. Strong, confident women know that they don't have to act like bitches.

Time heals nothing, you just get used to feeling shitty about some stuff.

I don't deserve something "better." I deserve something fucking spectacular.

That feeling when you meet someone that's worth risking everything for - that feeling is a fucking liar.