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“You're not so tough now, are you, Batman?"
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Twitter has become my new Saturday morning cartoons.
We live in NY and my gf just asked me if we're on Mountain Time or Pacific Time.
She has an amazing set of boobs, guys!
Twitter users know there is a difference between Twitter and real life. Facebook users think Facebook IS real life.
I have 2 yrs worth of tweets in my Draft folder and I've instructed my estate to send a tweet a day so you fuckers won't even know I'm dead.
MILFs. Turning poolboys into poolmen since the mid 80's.
I read an actual newspaper today!
For those of you who don't understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
"Here's your fucking coffee, you pretentious motherfucker! Hope you choke and die"
~ Things I would say if I worked in Starbucks.
My parents won't tell you, but i will...
I am their favorite child.
So proud of myself...6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Just attended a benefit for women without legs.
That place was crawling with pussy.
All I'm saying is that if you have multiple accounts and you can keep up with all this shit, then you're a fucking genius.
With no life.
Another Twilight movie?
God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Don't those guys get tired of shufflelin' every day?
My 70 year old grandfather got his first tattoo. It's the Chinese symbol for "Get off my lawn!"
I keep my avi constant because that's how you guys know me.
If I change it you'll be like "Hey, who's this fucker with the great jokes?"
Should be grounds for divorce if she insists the toilet paper should go under the roll, instead of over the top like its meant to be.
If you want to know what God smells like, just open up a fresh bag of coffee.
I think Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Wait, they kill each other in the Hunger Games?
Great! Let's have one with the cast of Jersey Shore and the Kardashians.