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"That vodka from last night was such a bad girl to you. There, there baby...mommy is gonna make it all better."
Sucking in my gut whenever a woman comes near is my superpower.
I see a black toe and I wanted painted red.
Hold my breath till I'm purple.
*Rejected nail polish names*
Not saying my wife has a big vagina but she buys her tampons at Sleepy's.
If I convert to Judaism, do I have to give up movies that contain Kevin Bacon?
I've been chill ever since Frankie told me to Relax.
#1 on the NY Times Best Sellers list this week:
"At Arm's Length - the unauthorized autobiography of a Selfie"
(It's a picture book)
Saint Peter: "Hey Joan Rivers...have you seen Robin Williams around?"
Joan Rivers: "Oh he's just hung over. Hahahahaha! What? Too soon?"
They can vaporize tobacco, marijuana, and alcohol to be inhaled.
Call me when they can vaporize a cheeseburger.
Every single one of the Ramones is dead, but Keith Richards is still walking around.
THERE'S your fucking plot twist.
A bunch of born-again Christians, but with Mutant powers called...
*failed Stan Lee pitch at Marvel Comics*
Tom Waits for no man.
Has that one been done before?
Fuck it. Send.