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Do me a favor...?
Take that selfie stick and shove it up your ass.
Well, I suppose I will have to get married one day. I can't expect to be happy my whole life, right?
...and then her stinging slap made our heads knock together like empty coconuts.
~ If 50 Shades was written by Moe, Larry, and Curly.
When I post on Facebook "Chillin' at home with the wife" it's really a secret code that tells my girlfriend "DONT TEXT ME!"
"...then she plucked my feathers and tickled my ass with them."
~ if "50 Shades"was written by Donald Duck.
Some people call it Valentine's Day.
I call it Saturday.
We can't make bad movies and we can't make cartoons?
The world doesn't need god. The world needs a sense of humor.
"Hey man, I though we were friends."
~ the email Google sent me after I Binged myself.
If your first thought was bands instead of geography then you and I will get along fine.
When you see a bunch of women running and screaming hysterically out a back door, Bill Cosby just walked in the front.
Excuse me, miss...are you Grey Poupon?
Cus I'd love to have you on my weener.
God writes a bunch of tweets and tells Moses to Retweet them.
~ the 10 Commandments, in Tweet form.
Swanson's Turkey tv Dinner.
Why delete a tweet just because it has a typo?
Moses didn't destroy those tablets even though he wrote "shalt not" instead of "shall."
C'mon...have a laugh.
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