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Tim Cook announces he's gay.
Russia bans Apple products and ISIS puts a jihad on iPhones.
Tim Cook "comes out" with Apple's newest product, the iGay.
Machete vs. Lawnmower Man.
I just gave you a freebie, Hollywood. Get on it.
If you open a door and you see a room full of dicks, don't worry. You're at the gym.
Prehistoric man could only count to 20. Then someone removed their loincloth and that's how the number 21 was invented.
Though I saw a real-life superhero, but alas...it was just another asshole in a Captain America shield t-shirt.
Wondering what Halloween costume to wear that will make women irresistibly attracted to you?
Dress like a shoe sale.
Now I know what to give as stocking stuffers for Christmas. Thank you, science!
I'm an advocate for yoga because it loosens women up.
And lord knows I love loose women.
Facebook buys WhatsApp for 19 Billion dollars.
Not to be outdone, Google+ buys Goat Simulator for 100 Trillion dollars.
Yes I was staring at your tits, but in my defense...tits.
This tweet goes out to the hearing impaired:
👋 🙌 ✋👆👉☝️✊✌️👈 ✋☝
I could really use a Personality assistant.
ISIL, formerly known as NAMBLA, suffers identity crisis.
"That vodka from last night was such a bad girl to you. There, there baby...mommy is gonna make it all better."
Sucking in my gut whenever a woman comes near is my superpower.
I see a black toe and I wanted painted red.
Hold my breath till I'm purple.
*Rejected nail polish names*