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Turkey Shoots Down Russian Warplane.
I don't know wether to laugh or cry. 😐
They got it backwards...
The Retweet button should be heart shaped. ❤️
Fun fact: facts aren't fun.
Oh wow, you actually called instead of texting me.
Co-worker: What are you going as for the Halloween party?
Me: *slurring words* I'm going as an alcoholic.
USA: Oprah gains $45 million dollars in Weight Watchers deal.
UK: Oprah gains $45 million Pounds in Weight Watchers deal.
Coffee really got my motor running this morning.
Contained 93% octane.
Dr. Ben Carson briefly suspended the election campaign in order to surgically remove his own foot from his mouth.
Always call your mother on your birthday and thank her for doing all the hard work.
All you did was cry when the doctor slapped your ass.
Body by Chipotle.
I [insert heart emoji] u
New York's Pink Pussycat Boutique busy rebranding their 10-inch line 'The Lenny Kravitz.'
Your mom just sent me a Snapchat.
Wanna see the screenshot?
President Trump and the nuclear button...
Iran: you're Fired! <Booom!>
Mexico: you're Fired! <Booom!>
Windows 10 comes out today.
My porn is going to look so much better now.
No, Ben Affleck...you're not Batman.
"Wow Science...you took Humanity to Pluto and beyond! Humanity is just stuck in the Dark Ages with me. I am so jealous."
How are you feeling now?
Ok, how about...now?
C'mon...have a laugh.
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