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Ringo Starr and Retweet.
I wish I was with you, instead of wherever the fuck I actually am.
In 1993, singer Jewel buys her first car.
"Yay, I'm a homeowner!"
Yeah, whatever. (But with you)
Buns or no buns, my anaconda wants sum.
*Puerto Rican chic walks by*
Hey girl, are you Latin? Because gluteus maximus XXL.
This is the week I collect all the candy my coworkers bring in and hand them out for Halloween next year.
She lets me use her Netflix password, and I let her use my HBO Go password.
True love indeed.
I've never been brave enough to donate at a sperm bank. Guys that do that have a lot of spunk.
Show me a woman who claims that 5 inches of iPhone is "too big" for her and I'll show you a man who'd like to date her.
Just tried swiping right to "like" your tweet.
Fuck you tinder.
When God shuts a door, he opens a window
for me to jump out of.
Tim Cook announces he's gay.
Russia bans Apple products and ISIS puts a jihad on iPhones.
Tim Cook "comes out" with Apple's newest product, the iGay.
Machete vs. Lawnmower Man.
I just gave you a freebie, Hollywood. Get on it.
If you open a door and you see a room full of dicks, don't worry. You're at the gym.
Prehistoric man could only count to 20. Then someone removed their loincloth and that's how the number 21 was invented.