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My touchdown dance looks like air guitar, but with 12 pizza rolls stuffed in my mouth.
Walks Grandpa into Starbucks*
"in my day, a cup of coffee was a only a nickel!"
...aaand walks Grandpa out of Starbucks*
"How do I log in?"
Sells Trump piñatas in Mexico*
Makes a million dollars overnight*
2016, Trump and Hillary are onstage.
And the winner is...Trump!
Steve Harvey walks back onstage...
C'mon chicken body
C'mon chicken body who?
C'mon chicken body baby do the conga.
~ Gloria Estefan, age 7
More exited about a 4-day weekend than eating turkey.
Turkey Shoots Down Russian Warplane.
I don't know wether to laugh or cry. 😐
They got it backwards...
The Retweet button should be heart shaped. ❤️
Fun fact: facts aren't fun.
Oh wow, you actually called instead of texting me.
Co-worker: What are you going as for the Halloween party?
Me: *slurring words* I'm going as an alcoholic.
USA: Oprah gains $45 million dollars in Weight Watchers deal.
UK: Oprah gains $45 million Pounds in Weight Watchers deal.
Coffee really got my motor running this morning.
Contained 93% octane.
Dr. Ben Carson briefly suspended the election campaign in order to surgically remove his own foot from his mouth.
Always call your mother on your birthday and thank her for doing all the hard work.
All you did was cry when the doctor slapped your ass.
Body by Chipotle.
I [insert heart emoji] u
C'mon...have a laugh.
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