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I'm dating a teacher and a nurse, but which one should I marry?
"THE ONE WITH THE BIG TITS!"
Thanks Twitter. I can always count on you.
I'm hung like a Sarah Jessica Parker.
Taking my girl to pound-town.
She wants to rescue a puppy.
Hobbies include listing hobbies on resumes.
*Adds to resume*
Not enough sex.
Not enough drugs.
But a lot of Rock n Roll.
Your mom's vibrator so old it's powered by two potatoes.
Contrary to popular belief, being single does not necessarily mean you're ready to mingle.
I've never been dead.
*added to bucket list*
"Fuck you people with peanut, caramel, and nougat allergies"
- Me, thoroughly enjoying a Snickers.
Thought eating whole bag of vegetables would satiate my hunger, but nope! I'm still hungry.
I feel your pain, vampires.
Relationship status: Making my selfie a sandwich.
Rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated, but there's still hope.