Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
My bank lets me send a text message and it'll reply with my balance. It's a cool feature but I didn't think the 'LOL' was necessary
I'd rather spend 10 seconds putting on a condom than 10 years pretending to like soccer.
My mum thinks "LOL" means "Lots Of Love". She texted me, "Your grandma just died. LOL"
1 sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA info in it. So a normal ejaculation is data transfer of 1,587.5TB in about 3 seconds. Beat that google.
By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you deleted and blocked. You may now kiss my ass.
A lie gets halfway around the world on twitter before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Elephant: Why do you have 2 boobs on your back? Camel: Thats a pretty stupid question coming from someone with a dick on his face.
What do you call an Ethiopian who takes a shit?
Tweet like you don't need money, DM like you've never been hurt, and @ reply like no one's watching.
To all Parents: Believe me when I say; We kids don't want your love. We want you to shut the fuck up, give us money, and come home late.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Just bought a watch on sale that's water resistant to 100 m, so if I ever find myself down that deep, I'll know what time I died.
I hope twitter is just another phase in my life, like that time I watched CNN for 4 months & the time I liked facebook for 12 nanoseconds.
I was voted "Most likely to travel back in time" class of 2046
Twitter is like Underground stand-up comedy..
My parents are grounding me by forcing me to go out and socialize. life's so unfair!!!!
I just had a Twitpic with 12 stars and 3 views, which finally proves the theory I've been working on: You guys are star-hunting-assholes!!!
Make joke, get star, repeat.
Doesn't sound too fulfilling *now* does it?
To celebrate this 10:10:10 10/10/10 thing, I'm setting my alarm for 10:15 tomorrow morning.
Whenever I get mugged at knifepoint, I immediately think what my next tweet will be if I survive.
If we were in school together and you were sad your grandma had just died, I was the kid hoping to get to eat the rest of your sandwich.