I read all your tweets to my dog. I star the ones that cause him to stop licking his testicles.

I tweet, therefore I am broke, lonely, unemployed, and narcissistic.

Sometimes people need to turn their religion to religioff.

The best reason to be an American this fine holiday season is that we don't have to worry about being invaded by America.

I logged into WebMD, plugged in my symptoms, and received a link to a lawyer who can do my will for $89.99. Well played, WebMD. Well played.

Nobody worry. With all this bad news today, I've called the WonderPets. They're on their way.

Hi Greece. Here's how we solved our financial crisis: 1) Sell weapons to terrorists 2) Kill terrorists. 3) Reclaim weapons 4) Repeat. - CIA

If you don't have a cat on your lap, then you're not truly a villain.

If pigs were smart, they'd evolve the ability to shed bacon from their skin.

You see that guy in the grocery store? That one - the guy staring at the cantaloupes a little too long. Yeah - not getting any.

I've been informed that going commando in public still requires pants... and we call ourselves a free country.

I give myself vacuum cleaner hickeys to hide the pain.

I'm the life of the party. And by life I mean the guy who sits sullenly with a bottle of Jack on the couch. And by party I mean by myself.

Pirates take planking WAY too seriously.

Some Christians pray to have a hedge of protection around them. I pray for them to have less ignorance, racism, & homophobia.

I got a paper cut from someone's old toilet seat cover that they left... I think I can feel my DNA changing.

Wells Fargo is pleased to announce that with your monthly fees, they've been able to upgrade from wagons to private personal jets.

I was extremely disappointed today to find out that a catechism is a really thick book of rules and not a seance to call the cat spirits.

Even though Dolly Parton is getting up there in age, I bet she still sets a mean booby trap.

Anyone have some arsenic I could use? I've got this old lace I need to murder.