@PunkTaco's (Your Mama) most faved Tweets...
What's the difference between a golf ball and an Escalade? Tiger Woods can drive one of them 400 yards.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you."
Will you please stop sending me DM's telling me how to make $500 online? I know how to, but I keep getting drunk and flashing for free.
My missing hand lotion was just found in the men's room. I'm now on a mission to find out whose crotch smells like lavender.
My 17 tear old niece is here listening to Taylor Swift. Imma let her finish and then Imma turn that crap off.
Getting coffee for yourself first is like putting on your oxygen mask on first. Can't save anyone else if you can't save yourself.
I've just bought a new flat iron. For $260, my hair had better be prepared to give me the reach around.
Two people just got caught fucking in my building elevator. Could the sex be that great if the building only has 4 floors?
The guy next to me has half of his crossword wrong. I'd tell him he's an idiot, but I suspect he already knows.
I've just discovered that my husband took our only hair dryer on all all men's hunting trip. There are just no words for this kind of thing
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