When the meek finally do inherit the earth four way stops are going to be hellacious.

You know what would make me happy? Yeah, me neither. Just thought I'd ask.

I like starring tweets as much as anyone, but sometimes I would really like to bestow a 'what the fuck' instead.

What if I don't need an entire can of whoop ass? Does it come in a resealable bag? Maybe some 100 calorie snack packs?

The bald guy sitting next to me on the bus smells like hair care products. Life never ceases to be a mystery.

Wish I could earn a living via petting kittens.

Hey fellas with the fingernail sized soul patches, that'll be enough of that.

Friends, believe I've hit rockbottom. Was just offered unsolicited makeup advice by a woman in Walmart.

Came home to find neighbor lady letting her dog pee all over my flowerbeds. Lucky her ponytail made it easy to rub her face in it, but still

Baked cookies. Ate cookies. Circle of life.

Here's a cautionary tale. Don't.

The ability to bite your own tongue. Just seems like a design flaw.

Huge daddy long legs on the mail box lid. So I opened and closed it really fast several times. Even spiders like a thrill ride now and then.

Love it when the husband has dinner waiting for me when I get home. Even if it is only fig newtons.

Triangulated the living room using both cats and a can of beans. Now I know how big of an area rug I need.

Hey Bus Driver - thanks for taking the time to make eye contact with me before you refused to open the doors & drove away. Love's all around

Every time I shop at a Walmart I worry that my receipt may one day be used as evidence against me.

I'd like people a lot more if they tasted like prime rib.

Never hate myself as much as when I find myself mesmerized by another woman's uncomfortable looking pantyline.

Been in the yard amusing myself by contracting my abs & letting my pants fall down. My neighbor seems amused. Or appalled. Whatever.