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If I see someone in the checkout line buying Spam I automatically assume they let dudes cum on their face.
Vag appointment w/my new gyno today. As soon as we start, I like to say "Welcome to the Thunderdome, Bitch" & play Eye Of The Tiger on blast
I like to use unwanted burger toppings to lure homeless men to my house to spoon me. I'm so lonely :(
The only recipe that should call for cucumbers is my vagina.
No, I can shove pretty much anything up there. Why?
To the guy in the "God Hates Fags" hat, buying 3 cases of Coors Light and Skoal...... we all know you finger your stepdaughter. #Romney2012
"I'll drive u to the hood to get a bag. Its cool... I know, like, every single word to Regulators"- How I lost my car and my butt virginity.
Retweeting a girl is basically the same as telling her she's beautiful, right? RIGHT?!
I always wanted to be one of those naked chicks that separates coke all day. Do I have to, like, know somebody? I have references.
Fucking around with Twitter made me late for work again. And I'm 95% sure I left my kid in the car :(
Stop bragging about being "creative in bed" then act all surprised when I shove a bottle of Alberto VO5 up your poop chute.
Prrrretty sure black midgets are a myth.
Little neighbor girl just caught me taking money out of my kids piggy bank. I told her "snitches get stitches" & pushed her down the stairs.
If u invite me over & u don't have alcohol, I'll shit in your toilet tank & wipe my ass with the curtains, kicking ur fat ass dog as I leave
If the midget from Fantasy Island were still alive, 9/11 would've never happened.
What's with all the frowny faces when I take my shirt off? Its called a HAPPY trail.... helloooo.
Until you've been behind the dumpster of the 7-11 on Pine Street blowing the cashier, don't fuckin talk to me about your "Slurpee addiction"
I love the people that say "I like to look out for the newbies" or "remember when you started?" then RT nothing but people w/5K+ followers.
I'll burrow so deep in your TL that I'll be starring all ur old hashtag shit. I don't give a FUCK! I'm dirty!
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