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Going to bed early so I can get a jumpstart on hating everything tomorrow.
Spoiler alert: adulthood sucks
By donating just one small box of Christmas ornaments, you too can provide six strip clubs with enough glitter for the next nine years.
You know things are bad when you're too sad to get drunk.
Is loneliness considered an emotion? If so, loneliness is a shitty fucking emotion.
Shut the fuck up. Nobody even likes you.
It's never too late to masturbate.
Dropped a huge spoonful of ice cream down my shirt & between my tits, so if you have an empty stomach & an eager tongue, I need your help.
Not to brag, but porn is my only friend.
Anyone else turn to porn when they're sad? Or happy? Or mad? Or procrastinating? Stuck in traffic? While eating breakfast? Just me? Hello?
It's always the ones who mean the most who end up hurting you the most.
I'm not desperate for attention, but my pussy is.
Nothing activates her crazy, psycho-bitch mode like telling them you love them and then ignoring them all day like they don't exist.
Nothing feels better than the pants sliding off. Except maybe the dick sliding in.
Swearing on Twitter is my anti-drug. Come for the cuteness, stay for the rage. I say FUCK! a lot.
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