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Just unfollowed someone because they were going on and on about how great life is. Bitch, you know I can't stand that filth in my timeline.
First, it was dinosaurs. Now, it's my sex life. *sigh* Everything awesome is extinct.
You know how when a train derails and a bunch of people help clean up the wreckage and get it back on track? Okay. I need that for my life.
Just caught a glance of myself in the mirror and, gosh, I'm really fucking cute.
Kudos to anyone who gets along with the people they live with.
Sorry I kicked you in the face and blamed it on restless leg syndrome.
If I'm in a grumpy mood and you tell me to smile and be happy, I'll smile and happily tell you to go fuck yourself.
If you're into made-up holidays, today is National Sleep with one of your friends because neither one of you is getting any younger Day.
Just shook my duvet and my phone, vibrator and three Cadbury eggs went flying across the room.
They named the scent of this body lotion 'Secret Wonderland' because 'Stripper Tits in a Candy Factory' was too long to fit on the bottle.
If I got rid of everything that doesn't fit, I don't like or haven't worn in the last year, all I'd have left in my closet would be pajamas.
I'm not religious, but I will celebrate any holiday that encourages candy and/or alcohol consumption.
Easter's a drinking holiday, right?
I'm telling myself I slept on it funny, but I think I hurt my shoulder over enthusiastically flipping someone off yesterday.
I wish we could throwback thursday to when people weren't annoying as fuck.
I'd lose so much weight if I only bought food in jars I couldn't get open.
I'm giving up sex until something better than not getting laid comes along.
Swearing on Twitter is my anti-drug. Come for the cuteness, stay for the rage. I say FUCK! a lot.