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I'm just really tired from being pretty all day.
Ate dinner standing over the sink, while doing a lot of sighing and dramatic exhaling. Really grabbing adulthood by the balls, over here.
Absence makes the heart grow horny as fuck.
Waking up is my first bad decision of the day and then it just snowballs from there.
Dear bed, get ready because I'm about to get seven kinds of cozy up in this bitch.
Listen, I've had "I'm in Luv wit a Stripper" stuck in my head for almost a week now, so spare me your petty little problems, okay?
They could be giving out free 60" TVs and I'd still rather stay home and suck a bag of dicks than show up anywhere on Black Friday.
Sorry your soulmate is already married.
Feelings: Free to good home. Like new condition. Rarely used.
Sometimes I'll just sit around and waste an entire day doing nothing for the last five years of my life.
I'm only mentally stable as long as there's not another human in my life.
Gas is so cheap I can finally date outside of my zip code again.
Sorry I fell out of love with you, but in my defense you didn't pay attention to me for 24 whole minutes.
There has to be more to life than just tweeting stupid shit to strangers on the Internet.
I'm at the age where I really thought I would've had my shit together by now.
I have a hot date with six loads of laundry today.
Whenever a guy invites you over to "hang out," he may as well just say he wants his dick to hang out in your pussy.
No point having feelings. No one cares about them or you anyway.
If you could overdose on loneliness I would have been dead a long time ago.
It's easy to love someone you don't really know.
Swearing on Twitter is my anti-drug. Come for the cuteness, stay for the rage. I say FUCK! a lot.