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My late-night signature move involves trying to kill a spider, totally missing it, pissing it off instead & losing sight of it completely.
Drunk, naked and ready to take advantage of myself.
Someone just told me to go choke on a dick and now I'm sad I don't have a boyfriend around anymore.
I find great enjoyment in making people regret ever asking how my day is going.
Adulthood is lonely.
Was going to say my entire life is a joke, but there's nothing funny about being miserable and depressed.
I wish it were as easy to erase them from your memory as it is to erase every trace of them from your phone.
Rejection hurts like a motherfucker.
Maybe eat some meat and start acting like a man, you fucking pussy.
Well, I *was* going to go work out, but then common sense kicked in and I ate 22 Reese's miniature peanut butter cups instead.
Adults who say "Hoppy Easter" to other adults.... fuck you and grow up.
Fun prank: love someone
Sorry you told me about your depression and I offered to fuck your pain away.
I'm religious in the sense that you bend me over and fuck me from behind while I go to town on all this Easter candy.
I'm tired of people with a zero fuckability factor. Where's the dating app for good looking, fit people w/ high standards and loose morals?
Swearing on Twitter is my anti-drug. Come for the cuteness, stay for the rage. I say FUCK! a lot.
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