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Hope we're never attacked by zombies with a speech impediment because I don't want to die in a zombie apocalisp.
Let me tell you the strange and eye opening truth about crystals - they look VERY cool
Reminder: if you’re a really smart person, you can always become a sad teacher.
Step 1: Keep handful of rocks in your car
Step 2: Wait for tailgater
Step 3: Roll down window
Step 4: Release your revenge
I hate when I'm having a threesome & the girl is hotter than me so I have to just wait around until they make me go refresh the snacks.
Why is nobody talking about how strange those new Freddy Krueger Proactiv commercials are?
Tried to brush my teeth with my left hand and threw myself through a wall
WHO GIVES A FUCK? Can we get back to something meaningful, like LeBron's headband?
My phone autocorrects everything I type into me whining about my phone autocorrecting everything I type
Kanye knows what America wants: songs about french pastries and cumming in our wives' mouths.
Who won The Voice last night? The girl whose name I forget or the girl whose name I also forget?
I love my new phone.
*takes phone to forest*
*lays phone next to waterfall*
*fucks phone*
I hope whoever I marry is okay with me naming all of our children "Cory&Topanga4Ever"