A hands-on child salon called "Mani, Pedi, File".

You're still following me?

Celebrity lookalike.  http://instagram.com/p/ZOfsPMm5ig/ 

Can I be your friend?

I've had less relationships and more relationtugboats.

My stepmom tries to be, but she's not my wheelmom.

For Mother's Day I bought my stepmom a grave plot.

"This was the last text message my daughter sent before crashing into oncoming traffic" *my mom holds up a sign "do bumble bees have dicks"*

A pack of lions is a pride. A pack of Courtney's is a disappointment.

Fuck. I can't get the baby head balls spaced right. Twitter is totes ruining my bag

I once made an emoji boner that looked like this: 🍼
👶👶

An email from Petsmart said: "Since your dog is the only one who loves you, feed him Purina One, you cheap bitch" which seemed rude.

Force feeding is the number one cause of obesity in Jedi infants.

I'd like to order a cinco, hold de mayo.

Maybe, like, tweet a pun or a play on words about confusing "bonus" with "bone us" and it's really funny and a celebrity stars it.

The fatter I get, the further away my butt hole becomes.

Face down, ass up, that's the way I found my mom in her closet after falling out of her wheelchair.

Your skinny baby makes me uncomfortable.

Why be a lesbian when you can be a morebian.

I'm not saying I'm prejudice against amputees, I'm just Lack Toes Intolerant.