Ugh! Why can't judging people burn more calories?

Can someone invent a Plan B breakfast cereal already? This pharmacist is starting to think I'm a slut.

All I want in life is to give someone a hand job while wearing Hulk hands.

I'm going to name my daughter Heaven so she doesn't have to change her name when she becomes a stripper.

I can't decide if my rock bottom was peeing on a pool of my own vomit, or crying into a bowl of Ramen.

C.R.E.A.M- Cupcakes rule everything around me.

Let me snort cocaine off of your shaft, baby.

If you have an erection lasting for more than 4 hours, don't call your doctor. Call me.

I'm the notorious v.a.g

I shop at Walmart so I can feel pretty for a few minutes.

Bitter party of one, your table is ready.

Boy, you must be betty Crocker, cause you're making me pic.twitter.com/GRj3gEMi

Does this outfit make me look gay? http://t.co/IR17AEjJ

Is that a taser in your pocket? Or are you just afraid that I'm violating the restraining order?

Maybe if I send my ex a video of me eating a burrito, he'll want me back.

Gurl, let's shove cough drops up our buttholes and play video games.

What the fuck, wheat pasta?

Just punched myself in the vagina because I thought a spider was crawling on it.

Anyone want to jump on my trampoline naked, so I can see what your testicles do?

My favorite flavor of popsicle is dick.