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Ugh! Why can't judging people burn more calories?
Can someone invent a Plan B breakfast cereal already? This pharmacist is starting to think I'm a slut.
All I want in life is to give someone a hand job while wearing Hulk hands.
I'm going to name my daughter Heaven so she doesn't have to change her name when she becomes a stripper.
I can't decide if my rock bottom was peeing on a pool of my own vomit, or crying into a bowl of Ramen.
C.R.E.A.M- Cupcakes rule everything around me.
Let me snort cocaine off of your shaft, baby.
If you have an erection lasting for more than 4 hours, don't call your doctor. Call me.
I'm the notorious v.a.g
I shop at Walmart so I can feel pretty for a few minutes.
Bitter party of one, your table is ready.
Is that a taser in your pocket? Or are you just afraid that I'm violating the restraining order?
Maybe if I send my ex a video of me eating a burrito, he'll want me back.
Gurl, let's shove cough drops up our buttholes and play video games.
What the fuck, wheat pasta?
Just punched myself in the vagina because I thought a spider was crawling on it.
Anyone want to jump on my trampoline naked, so I can see what your testicles do?
My favorite flavor of popsicle is dick.