I feel as though common sense should be referred to as the sense formerly known as common.

You're only a perv if I find you unattractive. If I think you're hot, you're just kinky.

Had this weird feeling that my new boyfriend's wife didn't like me... Hate meeting the family.

I call dibs on your murder.

Reasons I can never remember your birthday:
1. It's not mine
2. I don't really have any other reasons...

If you think my tweets are lame, just wait until you see my Facebook status updates!

Bad hair day? Breaking out? Feeling bloated? Show more cleavage. Solves everything.

There are some shameful things in my past. Like when I used to use hash tags on the regular.

"I'd hit it."- What I usually think to myself after checking out your picture and then following you. Gotta have some way to decide, right?

I get genuinely confused when someone doesn't love me as much as I love me.

Wish some of the people in my life would give me the chance to miss them while they are still alive. You know, so I don't have to kill them.

I'm at a point in my life where making a can of soup requires too much prep time and effort.

Can't tell I'm an asshole yet just by looking at my car? Here, let me park it diagonally across a few spots to help you out.

If family really loved you they wouldn't bother you with weddings, b-days & shit. They'd only hit you up for important things like kidneys.

Someone stole my iPhone, and I have to use my comp to check everything now. This must be what poverty is like.

I hate parking on the poor side of the mall. You know, the side with Sears, minorities, pregnant teens and food stamps on the ground.

A lot of sentences I read don't make sense at first since I always assume ATM stands for ass to mouth... Too much porn? Hahaha, yeah right.

I just stare at people with a look of confusion and mental anguish until they stop trying to ask me whatever question it is that they have.

My ultimate fantasy is to just be left the fuck alone for an entire day. I bet it would be absolutely divine.

I occasionally star tweets about feelings, even sometimes RT em. Never write em. I try to have as few feelings as possible. Too much effort.