For the avoidance of doubt, there is no such thing as 'American English'. There is the English language and there are mistakes.

IT'S NOT ONE'S SODDING BIRTHDAY FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. #jubileeconcert

Give one some sodding warning when the camera is coming, for Christ's sake. #olympicceremony

Booze cruise.

Absolutely gasping for a gin. That was the driest booze cruise one has ever been on.

Yes, one was tweeting just then. Awkward. #olympicceremony

OK, one takes it back. Let Cheryl mime. Honestly, it's fine. #jubileeconcert

The whole world inside the Union Flag. Brings back memories. #closingceremony

Spain vs Italy: winner gets bailed out by Germany.

In approximately five minutes, one will parachute into the stadium with a fire extinguisher and put out the olympic flame. #closingceremony

Jessie J, sod off and let's have Freddie Mercury back. #closingceremony

A-Level results day tomorrow. Mr Osborne is hoping to have finally passed Maths; Mr Cameron had to retake politics. Mr Clegg did pottery.

Monday is cancelled due to lack of interest.

Get off of one's roof you absolute morons. #jubileeconcert

Text from the Pope: "Have a Good Friday". Joker.

People are wondering where Paul McCartney is. One has three words: Tower of London. #closingceremony

Quit the French commentary moonbeam. We're on the right side of the channel over here. #olympicceremony

There's only one thing that can spoil this: Paul McCartney. #closingceremony

Mr Clegg on the phone. He's failed his biology A-Level. Apparently couldn't find a backbone. Awkward.

Poland vs Greece. Winner gets bailed out by Germany.