Dear Moms pinning homemade teacher gifts on Pinterest: We don't want melted crayon initials.We want coffee & liquor store gift cards. Thx.

I think my daughter *may* have been in the kitchen. pic.twitter.com/lvsPsZyozx

I'd like to announce my candidacy for Pope. Sure I'm not male...or Catholic...but I *do* look good in hats.

Can I count on your support?

What the hell is Mrs Obama doing introducing best movie? Pssst...Hollywood...your politics are showing.

I don't care who you are. When "Don't Stop Believing" starts playing, you KNOW you sing along. #MaybeJustMe

You know what, Tuesday? I've had just about enough of your lip. Don't make me pull this week over.

Driving out to @lisemerle's house. I'm super nervous that I'll get lost and end up married to a cowboy, living in Craven. #citygirl

Neighbors across the street are moving today. Apparently, they're moving to 1976, based on their furniture.

I'm drinking the first regular Coke in years & years. Feel like I'm already getting the shakes.
#gonnabeuptweetingallnight

That's right jaundice - my baby girl just kicked your yellow ass! Deal with it.

Why is it my son shouldn't watch violent tv bc it will make him violent, but all the shows promote fruits & veg and he won't touch them?

Did you know it's unseasonably cold with lots of snow in SK? It's weird because no one seems to be talking about it.

Congrats to @lisemerle and her exciting new role on #JGL! I made my period one class listen!!

If my laptop arbitrarily freezes or restarts one more time, the phrase will become "Going Carmen" instead of "Going Postal". #ragetweet

And with Adele's win, @lisemerle and @aekyo immediately turned into 19th Century Cockney Shopkeepers. #Oscars #snarkies #thankyouguvnah

Why are the animals fighting? Why are all of you encouraging it? Can't birds get along? Why encourage sea hawk and falcon fights? #notsporty

My forecast? 99% chance of wine precipitation into my glass tonight. #longday

#twitterconfession The house is full of friends & family and my primary thought? I can't believe I'm old enough to host Christmas.

It is wrong to hit coworkers. It is wrong to hit coworkers. It is wrong to hit coworkers. It is wrong to hit coworkers.

As a kid, school was cancelled bc of bad weather, so we would spend the day outside playing in the snow. #Saskatcheweird. @joel_sopp