Women are smarter and funnier than men. Lucky for us if you put 3 of them together they will completely undermine each other. Problem solved

Just got anonymous text, it said:

"I hate gingers." 

Can't decide if it's from a British guy or a dyslexic racist. 

Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, throat punch.

Dyslexics untie!!!

Dyslexic agnostic insomniac sits up at night wondering if there really is a dog. 

At an Alzheimer's board meeting. Can't seem to get past approval of the, uh, the, um, meeting adjourned.

God grant me the serenity to lay in wait and bring ruin upon all those who rebuffed my advances or challenged my supremacy.

Just got back from Costco with my folks. They didn't clue in on the economy size bag of lye, plastic sheet and make your own will kit. Phew!

Just when I thought the evolution of the species had reached its summit, I am wandering the supermarket, and there it is: Diet orange juice.

iPads fit perfectly in ziplock freezer bags. Finally I can have a fucking shower.

Reason to get out of bed #6: Another day of work, is one day closer to prowling the interstates in a freezer truck with a hidden room.

Click your heals three times and go fuck yourself.

After 15 minutes of searching the ingredients in chamomile, my mom asked me if I knew about 'the other kind' of tea bag. Fuck you google.

Are you serious... I can favourite my own tweet!! Done and done!

Back to work after a week off. Can't decide whether to wear my Boss suit or my AR-15.

My wife can work non stop silently for hours but the minute I sit down to read or try to go to sleep, the concept of silence ceases to exist

Little has changed since the days of the coliseum. For the majority of people on earth life is nasty, brutish and short. Then there's us.

Trying to get the perfect gift for a co-worker. Can't decide between throat punch and donkey kick.

When I'm sick my cats hang with me, not in a nurturing, they sense my pain way, more of a 'if he dies I've got dibs on the corpse' way.

Ok I admit women tweet funnier than guys, but before you go getting to cocky know that 30% of the stars you get are because dudes wanna fuck