Anyone ever think that the zombie apocalypse will be started by a coffee shortage?

So when the answer is "maybe," am I the only one who says, "Perhapsicles"?

I'm not lazy. I'm just resting up for my 40's.

Playboy fragrance for Men? What, does it make them smell like rabbit so they attract the cougars?

Ladies: Remember, just cause he wants to fuck someone else doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Variation is the spice of life.

My other personality molests me while I sleep. This must be how I can wake up in such a good mood...

So did our grandparents put plastic on the couch to keep it clean from the kids, or because it's easier cleanup after couch sex?

Pwahahaha! Some scam called me to say my pc with windows7 is sending out malware; they hung up on me cause they didn't know what linux is!!!

I am awesome. Just in case you didn't already know, I figured someone should tell you.

I think I'm making friends on here.

And I thought Twitter was just for showing what an ass I can be to the world.

Go figure.

Facebook, fuck off. You are stupid when you seem to think you know who I know or what I like.

Packs of women jogging at nightime make me wonder if they're Lycrans or Milferatu.

Still trying to figure out why I can't convince the dishes to wash themselves. Maybe they're all male and don't know how to wash them.

If my name were Food, I'd get eaten multiple times a day.

My 10 year old to my 4 year old: "What do you think I am? A preschooler?!?"

I think my other personalities moved out, and now I just follow them all on twitter.

What's in this coffee? I'm giddy and loving how I look today. Especially my boobs. They're all perky, I feel sexy!

Gonna get drunk on chocolate whipped cream, wish me luck! ;)

I hate how I can look through the classifieds and only see 2 jobs I can apply for. Job boom, my ass..

And the brats are finally in bed. Thank goodness for small miracles.