Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Waiting for the day when someone tweets about me and says I'm horribly underfollowed.
Truthful Tuesday: Sometimes I hold in my pee until it hurts, to show myself how tough I can be.
Sometimes I just hold it because I'm lazy.
"You know the Xanax is fresh when it's hard to break in half"
Someone really just said to me.
As if I didn't already know that. Please.
A guy I follow twittercided last night. He twitted warning signs and even left a 'cide tweet, but none of us listened.
None of us listened.
Nobody's impressed that you're sitting on a Pilates ball in your cubicle. Go ahead and put that shit away.
Plan To Fix Obesity in America: Mandate salads on the dollar menu & make the double cheeseburgers $5.79 instead. You're welcome, Mrs. Obama.
I'm at my douchiest when I'm at the holistic pet store debating over whether to get my dogs organic banana treats or organic sweet potatoes.
Packed with peanuts, Snickers really satisfies. The urge to have an anaphylactic reaction.
If I have to scroll & scroll & scroll down your timeline to find one original tweet that isn't a RT, what the fuck are you even doing here?
Just stop, people who drive with your convertible's top down but leave your windows up.
I don't kiss people when I greet them because it seems pretentious & phony.
If you get a shaky hug, that's about as much as I have to give.
I liked the show 'Two Broke Girls' better when it was called 'Laverne & Shirley'.
Thanks, Pantene, for emailing me this complimentary coupon for a free hair cut at Wal*Mart.
I'd rather beavers take their teeth to my hair.
Oh Twitter. I missed you today. Let's make up for lost time.
I want to drop kick people who sit on the same side of the booth/table at restaurants.
Searching for jobs online is like searching for porn. You're going to find very little of what you desire and a lot of it seems super shady.
Last night a dude I followed live tweeted his acid trip. Tonight I've got a dude live tweeting his overdose.
This place is fucking awesome.
Nothing can make a decent-looking guy look more repulsive than hocking a loogie & spitting in public. That's a 'your own time' situation yo.
I always pick out the most jacked up, sad, little mutant pumpkin for Halloween. Nobody else will, and I don't want its little feelings hurt.
I call myself a writer because I have a blog. I can dance and kick really fast. I do stuff with animals for money. http://raanonsense.blogspot.com