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  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    "You know the Xanax is fresh when it's hard to break in half"

    Someone really just said to me.

    As if I didn't already know that. Please.

    • 130
    • FAVS
    SortaSarcasticnittunisiaDeurb1ShanaRose21BazarComedyidiosityTHE_BUSNESSMAN2tickytacky
    • 50
    • RETWEETS
    Deurb1BazarComedyTHE_BUSNESSMANJalapenoJill2tickytackyediable_arsenicdrgreenthumbs13concretesledge_
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    Waiting for the day when someone tweets about me and says I'm horribly underfollowed.

    • 127
    • FAVS
    drdbgSortaSarcasticnovicefathernoon_tjDeurb1BazarComedyCanadianMclovintheevilwriter
    • 44
    • RETWEETS
    drdbgSortaSarcasticDeurb1BazarComedyconcretesledge_tsm560JIMBOSWELTBeenToHellPal
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    Truthful Tuesday: Sometimes I hold in my pee until it hurts, to show myself how tough I can be.

    Sometimes I just hold it because I'm lazy.

    • 119
    • FAVS
    SortaSarcasticCarStan1114nittunisiaSophiaEileenRamDeurb1catcervenyrainerfmBazarComedy
    • 52
    • RETWEETS
    UgotMeFdUPDeurb1rainerfmBazarComedyconcretesledge_tsm560ddsmidtJIMBOSWELT
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    If Ellen Page is a lesbian, how did she wind up all pregnant as a teenager?

    What is the government not telling us?

    • 97
    • FAVS
    SortaSarcasticBazarComedyDrDweezilmackenziesawkaAdar79Angietree_hug_rAaaaaarroooonnnCanadianMclovin
    • 39
    • RETWEETS
    BazarComedyCanadianMclovinconcretesledge_ddsmidtmcFlappybuttTheAlexNevilUnderchildePretzelNY
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    I liked the show 'Two Broke Girls' better when it was called 'Laverne & Shirley'.

    • 97
    • FAVS
    SortaSarcasticnoon_tjBrianIncognitoDeurb1BazarComedyidiosityTHE_BUSNESSMANSuMacDan
    • 31
    • RETWEETS
    Deurb1BazarComedyTHE_BUSNESSMANCanadianMclovinJIMBOSWELTSirCasioKL7000DoItWithWooddavesacher
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    Nobody's impressed that you're sitting on a Pilates ball in your cubicle. Go ahead and put that shit away.

    • 92
    • FAVS
    SortaSarcasticnovicefatherBazarComedyCanadianMclovinTheCanadianGayDirectingTitanediable_arsenicconcretesledge_
    • 30
    • RETWEETS
    BazarComedyediable_arsenicJIMBOSWELTddsmidtejmichaels1DumbCatFaceAGreaterMonsterUnderchilde
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    A guy I follow twittercided last night. He twitted warning signs and even left a 'cide tweet, but none of us listened.

    None of us listened.

    • 89
    • FAVS
    SortaSarcasticThateverydayguyBazarComedyBarrDalyidiosityTHE_BUSNESSMANDrDweezilCanadianMclovin
    • 22
    • RETWEETS
    BazarComedyidiosityTHE_BUSNESSMANSirCasioKL7000JamesonN7ejmichaels1Underchildemelodicmade
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    Plan To Fix Obesity in America: Mandate salads on the dollar menu & make the double cheeseburgers $5.79 instead. You're welcome, Mrs. Obama.

    • 75
    • FAVS
    ThateverydayguyBazarComedyCanadianMclovintheevilwriterediable_arsenicconcretesledge_JIMBOSWELTBeenToHellPal
    • 27
    • RETWEETS
    BazarComedyconcretesledge_SirCasioKL7000DumbCatFacepradogodAngelfire_36FFluciditea_MischievousJam
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    Anyone who buys Kim Kardashian's selfie book should be put on the terrorist watch list.

    • 70
    • FAVS
    RantsAndRumbaBazarComedyDrDweezilsugarlump4u2jimmyrooney79hausmaus07buchandarraaaang_
    • 28
    • RETWEETS
    BazarComedyladamatalakeanagirlBeyondMyKenCanadianMclovinSincerelyAmusedmar24gybeskrajan
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    I'm at my douchiest when I'm at the holistic pet store debating over whether to get my dogs organic banana treats or organic sweet potatoes.

    • 67
    • FAVS
    SortaSarcasticnovicefatherBazarComedyCanadianMclovinediable_arsenicconcretesledge_MadDamMusicmisworded
    • 14
    • RETWEETS
    novicefatherBazarComedytsm560ddsmidtJIMBOSWELTSirCasioKL7000cpt_ball_creamCallMeMrBigs
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    Packed with peanuts, Snickers really satisfies. The urge to have an anaphylactic reaction.

    • 63
    • FAVS
    BazarComedyDrDweezilCanadianMclovinconcretesledge_MadDamMusictsm560JIMBOSWELTSirCasioKL7000
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    BazarComedytsm560TheAlexNevilUnderchildestonedcoldlazyqwertyingAdyacesPipersPapers
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    If I have to scroll & scroll & scroll down your timeline to find one original tweet that isn't a RT, what the fuck are you even doing here?

    • 54
    • FAVS
    deceased2045DaniDuckSortaSarcasticBazarComedyCanadianMclovinconcretesledge_marcusmatherneJIMBOSWELT
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    deceased2045SortaSarcasticBazarComedyqwertyingtkhan74StarksWeek__Voiceofgarthstonedcoldlazy
    Voiceofgarth
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    I don't kiss people when I greet them because it seems pretentious & phony.

    If you get a shaky hug, that's about as much as I have to give.

    • 50
    • FAVS
    SortaSarcasticBazarComedyDrDweezilCanadianMclovinconcretesledge_JIMBOSWELTSirCasioKL7000pradogod
    • 10
    • RETWEETS
    BazarComedySirCasioKL7000pradogodlionssheartStarksWeek__Foxadelicdrunktweets81TweeterMediocre
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    Thanks, Pantene, for emailing me this complimentary coupon for a free hair cut at Wal*Mart.

    I'd rather beavers take their teeth to my hair.

    • 45
    • FAVS
    BazarComedyDrDweezilCanadianMclovinDJVanEverySillygingermomconcretesledge_marcusmatherneJIMBOSWELT
    • 14
    • RETWEETS
    BazarComedyconcretesledge_wilkensdrewSirCasioKL7000justkeni11cpt_ball_creamTheRealRHBsmsss5
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    Just stop, people who drive with your convertible's top down but leave your windows up.

    • 51
    • FAVS
    novicefatherBazarComedyCanadianMclovinconcretesledge_miswordedtsm560JIMBOSWELTSirCasioKL7000
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    BazarComedytsm560cpt_ball_creamStarksWeek__CubicalRondarthmizzarkBradNewsBearsdrunktweets81
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    My condolences to anyone on Twitter named Karen…

    • 42
    • FAVS
    jestcoastBazarComedyDrDweezilCanadianMclovinconcretesledge_RunningCrazy1miswordedJenn_x2_
    • 13
    • RETWEETS
    BazarComedytsm560countryclubhellcroweanne70jenyb4CallMeDraperDaleIncitsEZ_E
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    Suck it, Canadians. I just got a same-day doctor's appointment too PLUS I only have to pay $600 a month in insurance for the privilege. #USA

    • 39
    • FAVS
    FlabbergailBazarComedyDrDweezilconcretesledge_BeenToHellPalSirCasioKL7000daniel_shawMichabean
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    BazarComedyBeer4AGoodTimeTediousYouocourtneynoNatKingKoletonTweeterMediocreKrissNWevltwnHD1
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    Searching for jobs online is like searching for porn. You're going to find very little of what you desire and a lot of it seems super shady.

    • 38
    • FAVS
    novicefatherMonamdusBazarComedyDrDweezilconcretesledge_JIMBOSWELTSirCasioKL7000cpt_ball_cream
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    BazarComedyJIMBOSWELTSirCasioKL7000cpt_ball_creamfranCsaysrelaxStarksWeek__chuckyhead3jlock17
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    Just kill me when I get too old to have sex without lube.

    • 31
    • FAVS
    novicefatherBazarComedyDrDweezilconcretesledge_JIMBOSWELTooforthmurlobbtexasstalkermom
    • 13
    • RETWEETS
    BazarComedyarcherenemyPitty_Da_FoolbuchandarrCaribbePirate76dbgindyJamesonN7cutiepiemedic
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    Oh Twitter. I missed you today. Let's make up for lost time.

    • 31
    • FAVS
    concretesledge_SirCasioKL7000cpt_ball_creamstonedcoldlazyALF_from_TVepimetheuslyNowYouSeeHerdaniel_shaw
    • 13
    • RETWEETS
    stonedcoldlazyStarksWeek__Michabeantkhan74KumarN16YouKnowPaoladestructiclewritersdream
@RAAnonsense

@RAAnonsense

I call myself a writer because have a blog. I can dance and kick really fast. I do stuff with animals for money. http://instagram.com/raanonsense