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"You know the Xanax is fresh when it's hard to break in half"
Someone really just said to me.
As if I didn't already know that. Please.
Waiting for the day when someone tweets about me and says I'm horribly underfollowed.
Truthful Tuesday: Sometimes I hold in my pee until it hurts, to show myself how tough I can be.
Sometimes I just hold it because I'm lazy.
Anyone who buys Kim Kardashian's selfie book should be put on the terrorist watch list.
A guy I follow twittercided last night. He twitted warning signs and even left a 'cide tweet, but none of us listened.
None of us listened.
Nobody's impressed that you're sitting on a Pilates ball in your cubicle. Go ahead and put that shit away.
I remember when you wanted to hear a song, you had to call the radio station and beg them to play it for you.
If Ellen Page is a lesbian, how did she wind up all pregnant as a teenager?
What is the government not telling us?
Plan To Fix Obesity in America: Mandate salads on the dollar menu & make the double cheeseburgers $5.79 instead. You're welcome, Mrs. Obama.
My condolences to anyone on Twitter named Karen…
If I have to scroll & scroll & scroll down your timeline to find one original tweet that isn't a RT, what the fuck are you even doing here?
I'm at my douchiest when I'm at the holistic pet store debating over whether to get my dogs organic banana treats or organic sweet potatoes.
Packed with peanuts, Snickers really satisfies. The urge to have an anaphylactic reaction.
Thanks, Pantene, for emailing me this complimentary coupon for a free hair cut at Wal*Mart.
I'd rather beavers take their teeth to my hair.
Searching for jobs online is like searching for porn. You're going to find very little of what you desire and a lot of it seems super shady.
Just stop, people who drive with your convertible's top down but leave your windows up.
If you say, “Happy wife, happy life”, just know I fucking hate you.
I don't kiss people when I greet them because it seems pretentious & phony.
If you get a shaky hug, that's about as much as I have to give.
Just kill me when I get too old to have sex without lube.
Caretaker of all species. Beer snob. News junkie. Hip-hop connoisseur. Non-professional singer, writer, dancer and fast kicker. http://instagram.com/raanonsense
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