Waiting for the day when someone tweets about me and says I'm horribly underfollowed.

"You know the Xanax is fresh when it's hard to break in half"

Someone really just said to me.

As if I didn't already know that. Please.

Truthful Tuesday: Sometimes I hold in my pee until it hurts, to show myself how tough I can be.

Sometimes I just hold it because I'm lazy.

My husband just asked why I use his 'good beer glasses' for my 'shitty drinks'.

He's dead now. The funeral is Friday.

Nobody's impressed that you're sitting on a Pilates ball in your cubicle. Go ahead and put that shit away.

A guy I follow twittercided last night. He twitted warning signs and even left a 'cide tweet, but none of us listened.

None of us listened.

Plan To Fix Obesity in America: Mandate salads on the dollar menu & make the double cheeseburgers $5.79 instead. You're welcome, Mrs. Obama.

Suck it, Canadians. I just got a same-day doctor's appointment too PLUS I only have to pay $600 a month in insurance for the privilege. #USA

I'm at my douchiest when I'm at the holistic pet store debating over whether to get my dogs organic banana treats or organic sweet potatoes.

Packed with peanuts, Snickers really satisfies. The urge to have an anaphylactic reaction.

Just stop, people who drive with your convertible's top down but leave your windows up.

If I have to scroll & scroll & scroll down your timeline to find one original tweet that isn't a RT, what the fuck are you even doing here?

I don't kiss people when I greet them because it seems pretentious & phony.

If you get a shaky hug, that's about as much as I have to give.

Oh Twitter. I missed you today. Let's make up for lost time.

I liked the show 'Two Broke Girls' better when it was called 'Laverne & Shirley'.

Searching for jobs online is like searching for porn. You're going to find very little of what you desire and a lot of it seems super shady.

Last night a dude I followed live tweeted his acid trip. Tonight I've got a dude live tweeting his overdose.

This place is fucking awesome.

If you need to yell 'get up and make me some dinner' to someone do you have to say 'bitch' after the sentence, or is bitch already implied?

Nothing can make a decent-looking guy look more repulsive than hocking a loogie & spitting in public. That's a 'your own time' situation yo.

Watching a lot of porn counts for sexual experience, right?