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  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    "You know the Xanax is fresh when it's hard to break in half"

    Someone really just said to me.

    As if I didn't already know that. Please.

    • 152
    • FAVS
    1evilidiotGo2SlpKentWGrahamMarkOnThePlanetbombsydollSassyPantsMcGhegianni_bcnthefunlei
    • 60
    • RETWEETS
    gianni_bcnImsohoppyGrumpyBahrTheSharona06OutOnTheMoorsTraceyLou88anerdonfirechad5773
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    Waiting for the day when someone tweets about me and says I'm horribly underfollowed.

    • 149
    • FAVS
    1evilidiotGo2SlpKentWGrahambombsydollgianni_bcnTracySteele6LoveMyScionFRSthefunlei
    • 59
    • RETWEETS
    Go2SlpMarkOnThePlanetgianni_bcnLoveMyScionFRSthefunleiImsohoppyCanadas_Finest7GrumpyBahr
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    Truthful Tuesday: Sometimes I hold in my pee until it hurts, to show myself how tough I can be.

    Sometimes I just hold it because I'm lazy.

    • 132
    • FAVS
    1evilidiotKentWGrahamgianni_bcnthefunleiMoan_a_LissaImsohoppyGrumpyBahrTheSharona06
    • 57
    • RETWEETS
    thefunleiImsohoppyGringoBruleerodtopiackretmsageUgotMeFdUPDeurb1rainerfm
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    I liked the show 'Two Broke Girls' better when it was called 'Laverne & Shirley'.

    • 117
    • FAVS
    1evilidiotiGreenMonksxydangerousgrlGo2SlpFizzhoggKentWGrahamgianni_bcnBlondAmbitionTO
    • 42
    • RETWEETS
    sxydangerousgrlGo2Slpjschwab1978KentWGrahamMarigumbsShanaRose21ImsohoppyTheSharona06
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    Nobody's impressed that you're sitting on a Pilates ball in your cubicle. Go ahead and put that shit away.

    • 108
    • FAVS
    1evilidiotKentWGrahamSternoShotsthefunleiImsohoppyednotsowiseTheSharona06DSLikesIt
    • 40
    • RETWEETS
    canswimonlandSternoShotsthefunleiImsohoppyTheSharona06terrycjtSmartticismschad5773
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    If Ellen Page is a lesbian, how did she wind up all pregnant as a teenager?

    What is the government not telling us?

    • 103
    • FAVS
    1evilidiotednotsowiseTheSharona06SmartticismsGringoBruleerodtopiaSortaSarcasticBazarComedy
    • 42
    • RETWEETS
    TheSharona06GringoBruleerodtopiaBazarComedyCanadianMclovinconcretesledge_ddsmidtmcFlappybutt
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    A guy I follow twittercided last night. He twitted warning signs and even left a 'cide tweet, but none of us listened.

    None of us listened.

    • 108
    • FAVS
    protolaliadeadblondwalkin1evilidiotrachel2manypawsms_willowKentWGrahamgianni_bcnBlondAmbitionTO
    • 33
    • RETWEETS
    1evilidiotSmartticismsMarkOnThePlanetgianni_bcnDutch_RDSJennyy_LAShanaRose21Imsohoppy
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    Plan To Fix Obesity in America: Mandate salads on the dollar menu & make the double cheeseburgers $5.79 instead. You're welcome, Mrs. Obama.

    • 91
    • FAVS
    1evilidiotKentWGrahamthefunleiImsohoppyednotsowisesweet_bitch_UKTheSharona06DSLikesIt
    • 34
    • RETWEETS
    KentWGrahamImsohoppyTheSharona06GringoBruleerodtopiaBazarComedyconcretesledge_SirCasioKL7000
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    Anyone who buys Kim Kardashian's selfie book should be put on the terrorist watch list.

    • 85
    • FAVS
    1evilidiotthefunleiRantingRecluseItsFineChinajergarlednotsowiseMrsGrey4ninjadinosaur1
    • 35
    • RETWEETS
    talknerdyDMUItsFineChinajergarlterrycjtGringoBruleerodtopiackretmsageBazarComedy
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    I'm at my douchiest when I'm at the holistic pet store debating over whether to get my dogs organic banana treats or organic sweet potatoes.

    • 74
    • FAVS
    1evilidiotthefunleiImsohoppyednotsowiseTheSharona06GringoBruleerodtopiaSortaSarcastic
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    ImsohoppyTheSharona06GringoBruleenovicefatherBazarComedytsm560ddsmidtJIMBOSWELT
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    Packed with peanuts, Snickers really satisfies. The urge to have an anaphylactic reaction.

    • 70
    • FAVS
    1evilidiotthefunleiImsohoppyednotsowiseGringoBruleerodtopiackretmsageBazarComedy
    • 20
    • RETWEETS
    ImsohoppyGringoBruleeckretmsageBazarComedytsm560TheAlexNevilUnderchildestonedcoldlazy
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    I remember when you wanted to hear a song, you had to call the radio station and beg them to play it for you.

    I'm old.

    • 65
    • FAVS
    KentWGrahamSternoShotsthefunleiImsohoppyednotsowiseCareEg33once_fabulousmc_funbags
    • 21
    • RETWEETS
    thefunleiImsohoppyTeagy63mc_funbagsPolygameistjimdoyalTracyL66strchsr2
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    If I have to scroll & scroll & scroll down your timeline to find one original tweet that isn't a RT, what the fuck are you even doing here?

    • 67
    • FAVS
    1evilidiotMarkOnThePlanetSternoShotsthefunleiImsohoppyednotsowiseCareEg33DSLikesIt
    • 14
    • RETWEETS
    ImsohoppyOutOnTheMoorsGringoBruleedeceased2045SortaSarcasticBazarComedyqwertyingtkhan74
    Voiceofgarth
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    Thanks, Pantene, for emailing me this complimentary coupon for a free hair cut at Wal*Mart.

    I'd rather beavers take their teeth to my hair.

    • 53
    • FAVS
    1evilidiotKentWGrahamthefunleiImsohoppyednotsowiseDSLikesItGringoBruleerodtopia
    • 18
    • RETWEETS
    thefunleiImsohoppyGringoBruleerodtopiaBazarComedyconcretesledge_wilkensdrewSirCasioKL7000
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    Just stop, people who drive with your convertible's top down but leave your windows up.

    • 60
    • FAVS
    1evilidiotKentWGrahamMarkOnThePlanetImsohoppy_crazyredheadDSLikesItGringoBruleeb_dubya41
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    DSLikesItGringoBruleerodtopiaBazarComedytsm560cpt_ball_creamStarksWeek__CubicalRon
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    I don't kiss people when I greet them because it seems pretentious & phony.

    If you get a shaky hug, that's about as much as I have to give.

    • 56
    • FAVS
    1evilidiotthefunleiednotsowiseDSLikesItGringoBruleerodtopiaSortaSarcasticBazarComedy
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    GringoBruleeBazarComedySirCasioKL7000pradogodlionssheartStarksWeek__Foxadelicdrunktweets81
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    My condolences to anyone on Twitter named Karen…

    • 50
    • FAVS
    1evilidiotthefunleiednotsowiseDSLikesItGringoBruleeb_dubya41rodtopiackretmsage
    • 16
    • RETWEETS
    GringoBruleerodtopiackretmsageBazarComedytsm560countryclubhell__croweanne70jenyb4
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    Searching for jobs online is like searching for porn. You're going to find very little of what you desire and a lot of it seems super shady.

    • 49
    • FAVS
    1evilidiotJB4Realzleeyon_jcharlesthomasSternoShotsthefunleiImsohoppyOutOnTheMoors
    • 15
    • RETWEETS
    SternoShotsthefunleiImsohoppyOutOnTheMoorsGringoBruleerodtopiackretmsageBazarComedy
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    Just kill me when I get too old to have sex without lube.

    • 41
    • FAVS
    dvel86JalumpyAmericanGent69thefunleiednotsowiseDSLikesItSmartticismsGringoBrulee
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    JalumpythefunleiGringoBruleerodtopiaBazarComedyarcherenemyPitty_Da_Foolbuchandarr
  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    Suck it, Canadians. I just got a same-day doctor's appointment too PLUS I only have to pay $600 a month in insurance for the privilege. #USA

    • 47
    • FAVS
    thefunleiImsohoppyednotsowiseDSLikesItSmartticismsGringoBruleerodtopiackretmsage
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    DSLikesItGringoBruleeBazarComedyBeer4AGoodTimeTediousYouocourtneynoNatKingKoletonTweeterMediocre
@RAAnonsense

@RAAnonsense

I call myself a writer because I have a blog. I can dance and kick really fast. I do stuff with animals for money. http://instagram.com/raanonsense