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Waiting for the day when someone tweets about me and says I'm horribly underfollowed.
Truthful Tuesday: Sometimes I hold in my pee until it hurts, to show myself how tough I can be.
Sometimes I just hold it because I'm lazy.
"You know the Xanax is fresh when it's hard to break in half"
Someone really just said to me.
As if I didn't already know that. Please.
If Ellen Page is a lesbian, how did she wind up all pregnant as a teenager?
What is the government not telling us?
Nobody's impressed that you're sitting on a Pilates ball in your cubicle. Go ahead and put that shit away.
A guy I follow twittercided last night. He twitted warning signs and even left a 'cide tweet, but none of us listened.
None of us listened.
Packed with peanuts, Snickers really satisfies. The urge to have an anaphylactic reaction.
Plan To Fix Obesity in America: Mandate salads on the dollar menu & make the double cheeseburgers $5.79 instead. You're welcome, Mrs. Obama.
I'm at my douchiest when I'm at the holistic pet store debating over whether to get my dogs organic banana treats or organic sweet potatoes.
If I have to scroll & scroll & scroll down your timeline to find one original tweet that isn't a RT, what the fuck are you even doing here?
I liked the show 'Two Broke Girls' better when it was called 'Laverne & Shirley'.
I don't kiss people when I greet them because it seems pretentious & phony.
If you get a shaky hug, that's about as much as I have to give.
Just stop, people who drive with your convertible's top down but leave your windows up.
Thanks, Pantene, for emailing me this complimentary coupon for a free hair cut at Wal*Mart.
I'd rather beavers take their teeth to my hair.
Oh Twitter. I missed you today. Let's make up for lost time.
I want to drop kick people who sit on the same side of the booth/table at restaurants.
Last night a dude I followed live tweeted his acid trip. Tonight I've got a dude live tweeting his overdose.
This place is fucking awesome.
Searching for jobs online is like searching for porn. You're going to find very little of what you desire and a lot of it seems super shady.
I always pick out the most jacked up, sad, little mutant pumpkin for Halloween. Nobody else will, and I don't want its little feelings hurt.
I call myself a writer cuz I have a blog. I can dance and kick really fast. I do gross stuff with animal guts for money. http://instagram.com/raanonsense