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  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    Waiting for the day when someone tweets about me and says I'm horribly underfollowed.

    • 164
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    mil_h0usekyry5rumandrocksShutUpThatsWhoJohn26649305Nicole39077483baeblacksheepleadnotfolow
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  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    "You know the Xanax is fresh when it's hard to break in half"

    Someone really just said to me.

    As if I didn't already know that. Please.

    • 165
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    • 62
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  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    Truthful Tuesday: Sometimes I hold in my pee until it hurts, to show myself how tough I can be.

    Sometimes I just hold it because I'm lazy.

    • 145
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    • 61
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  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    I liked the show 'Two Broke Girls' better when it was called 'Laverne & Shirley'.

    • 130
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    • 44
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  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    A guy I follow twittercided last night. He twitted warning signs and even left a 'cide tweet, but none of us listened.

    None of us listened.

    • 126
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  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    Nobody's impressed that you're sitting on a Pilates ball in your cubicle. Go ahead and put that shit away.

    • 121
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    • 44
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  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    If Ellen Page is a lesbian, how did she wind up all pregnant as a teenager?

    What is the government not telling us?

    • 112
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    • 46
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  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    Plan To Fix Obesity in America: Mandate salads on the dollar menu & make the double cheeseburgers $5.79 instead. You're welcome, Mrs. Obama.

    • 97
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    • 35
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  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    Anyone who buys Kim Kardashian's selfie book should be put on the terrorist watch list.

    • 90
    • FAVS
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    • 36
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  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    I remember when you wanted to hear a song, you had to call the radio station and beg them to play it for you.

    I'm old.

    • 80
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    • 26
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  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    I'm at my douchiest when I'm at the holistic pet store debating over whether to get my dogs organic banana treats or organic sweet potatoes.

    • 83
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  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    Packed with peanuts, Snickers really satisfies. The urge to have an anaphylactic reaction.

    • 75
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  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    If I have to scroll & scroll & scroll down your timeline to find one original tweet that isn't a RT, what the fuck are you even doing here?

    • 75
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  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    Thanks, Pantene, for emailing me this complimentary coupon for a free hair cut at Wal*Mart.

    I'd rather beavers take their teeth to my hair.

    • 66
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  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    My condolences to anyone on Twitter named Karen…

    • 56
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  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    Just stop, people who drive with your convertible's top down but leave your windows up.

    • 63
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  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    I don't kiss people when I greet them because it seems pretentious & phony.

    If you get a shaky hug, that's about as much as I have to give.

    • 60
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  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    Searching for jobs online is like searching for porn. You're going to find very little of what you desire and a lot of it seems super shady.

    • 52
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  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    Just kill me when I get too old to have sex without lube.

    • 46
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  • RAAnonsense
      Rachel @RAAnonsense

    Oh Twitter. I missed you today. Let's make up for lost time.

    • 39
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@RAAnonsense

@RAAnonsense

I call myself a writer because I have a blog. I can dance and kick really fast. I do stuff with animals for money. http://instagram.com/raanonsense

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