I got married because I believe in monotonous relationships.

Note to twitter peeps- than and then... not the same word.

One more follower and I can retire!

If the last thing on your bucket list doesn't kill you, you're not doing it right.

Things women enjoy just as much as men: Tweets about masturbation.

The only upside to having small hands is that they make my penis look HUGE.

People who live in glass houses should not live in glass houses. Who are these dipshits?

Know what's better than pizza? Slutty pizza.

Rappers on Twitter probably just star and retweet themselves.

Thou shalt not take my name in vain without a good goddamn reason for it.

If I've learned anything from Twitter it's that Canadians have a sense of humor. Who knew...?

If you're armless and you know it, clap your feet...

Thanks for the inspirational tweet. You changed my life with that one. Block.

I got a case of gonorrhea so bad my doctor told me I had 'the applause'.

Fuck Old Navy. It's time for New Navy, bitches. #GodHasSpoken

You shoulda seen the look on Osama Bin Laden's face when I showed up instead of those 72 virgins. #shitthatmakesmegiggle

How did you know it was time to go to bed at Neverland ranch? When the big hand touched the little hand.

The French are probably a lot healthier than the rest of us because they eat their pain.

My senior year I was voted most likely to still be here next year.

Evidently my email to female coworkers about starting a fantasy fuckball league is inappropriate somehow.