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HEY...next time I say surprise me~ it cant involve my Anus in any way!!
Wow I Luv the Mall On Black Friday~ they have kiosk's 4 everything I got a pap smear for 10bucks~ Outside the mall in a van marked "Kiosk."
The best state in the US? Drunk! That's a state right?....What?
If you ruined the world for an apple, what would you do for a klondike bar
My Best Sexual Moves Have Titles... like: "The Perverted Lady Bug at a Forbidden Picnic!" Or "Fantasy"... that one usually makes me money!
I got screwed by the optometrist I should have known since the name of the company is~C F Eye Care!!
When life gives U lemons sell the juice as lubricant to people U don't like!
IF I DON'T GET TO 300 I'M QUITTING TWITTER FOREVER!!! (changing my name and using a different account)
Merry Christmas People! And if you don't celebrate Christmas...sorry that you are going to HELL!!! LOLJK...no but seriously...hell :)
Its not surprising that Walmart cashier looked like a wilder-beast...but it was surprising that she smelled like one too! HA!
Are you assholes even considering the fact that Hansel and Gretel were trying 2 EAT some1's FUCKING HOUSE!!
I recently found out I like Screaming "I AM THE ONE WHO WEARS THE PANTS IN THIS FAMILY" at my puppy...
Hey flirty man driving a minivan...if you want me to flirt back....try NOT driving a minivan.
OK Guys 2 tell the truth.. when girls go the bathroom 2gether~ We..Wrestle in our underwear & show pictures of UR penis's..
Hilton Hotel gets rid of Porn...so Paris is dead then? What took 'em so long to.... O...wait.. its the Marriott
Wish I had a white guy BFF who'd let me call him "Bro" & I'd sing "bro bro bro your boat" on the phone to him...we wouldnt be friends long.
The fact that I will probably live an entire lifetime without ever kissing a guy named Vlad is quite unacceptable!
Getting cold so I thought I'll be cute & make homemade soup.. now staring @ 8 GALLONS OF FUCKING SOUP I'll HAVE 2 EAT 4 THE REST OF MY LIFE!
Can't sleep at 4am? Its a perfect time to contemplate that "Hot Pink or 'Grass' Green" pubic hair dye/design decision. #latenightconfessions
Looking in your windows and getting away with it...mostly.