"Remember that time you threw Caution to the wind?"
"Yeah, that little prick was asking for it."

I miss the good old days of sitting on the porch with my gay uncle, drinking pink lemonade, and listening as he told me fairy tales.

Someone really needs to find a non-violent cure for arrogance.

Twitter is an excellent place to meet future fired professionals.

Guys who pee with their eyes closed at the urinal freak me out.

But it does allow me to check out the competition.

If you put in at least 40 hours/week on twitter, you can legitimately put "Social Worker" on your business cards.

I like to call my daydream erections driftwood.

No, YOUR the one who's grammer is not to good.

You call it procrastination, I call it Eleventh Hour efficiency.

"Orange ya gonna arrest him, officer?"
"No, I'm gonna let the mango free."

(Sarcastic fruit police)

I have developed an embedded font that enables secret tweets that can only be seen by you.

To unlock it, click on that star-shaped thingy.

When life hands you remons, ask yourself how the fuck you ended up in China.

Now I'm no doctor, but if you stick your kindle too far into her nook, she'll need an iPad.

I'm so hungry right now, it sounds like I'm smuggling pigeons.

Size matters for us too ladies. It's not fun dipping your kielbasa in the Grand Canyon.

What's good for the goose is winning one for the gipper. #doublewise

I'm an open book. That's inside a locked chest, buried at sea.

If I had eight other lives, I'm pretty sure I'd screw those up too.

Never trust a guy named Samantha.

I'm totally taking out all of my frustrations at work on my dick tonight.