After almost 25 years of marriage. If a new sexual move is introduced, questions will be asked.

I love when my wife adds me to the conversation that's she apparently already having in her head.

My wife said you know most strippers are lesbians. I said that does not hurt the fantasy at all.

If your new to Twitter. Today is the last day of your outside life.

Today when people ask. How are you? I'm going to reply: I'm weird.

My wife and I have one thing in common she loves me and I love me.

After working in an ER for several years. I can safely say " the dumb do suffer"

Whenever I travel by air. I always wear pink thong panties. On the off chance I get strip searched. Then we can all be uncomfortable.

If I die would someone come by my house & remove that stuff from my golf bag. Please try to keep an open mind

My superpower is turning 2 minutes on Twitter into 2 hours.

Weekend plans. Saturday masturbate a lot. Sunday feel bad about masturbating so much on Saturday .

No one enjoys constructive criticism more than the person giving it.

I hate when the porn star looks directly into the camera. I know she's judging me.

On Twitter I've learned that a lot of women want to be bent over and fucked hard, but in a classy way.

My 16 yo son just walked in with is gf. I'm standing here in a fucking pirate costume. Thank god he didn't see what his mothers wearing.

My wife sent me a text just said: I love you. My guess is she broke something of mine.

I pulled a chest muscle taking a nap. Being old is fucked up.

If you're a guy and your avi is you holding a glass of wine. You were looking for Facebook.

Thanks to Twitter. I've been cleared a lot of junk from my brain.

I'm pretty sure my wife just called me a genius under her breath.