Do you know what the difference between a man's wife and a man's girlfriend is? About 20 pounds.

Why don't homeless people have rhythm?

Just saw a shitty Honda with a high maintenance personalized tag. That one writes itself.

I play the lottery every week. If I win I'm going to pay someone to beat the hell out of everyone who sends me a game request Facebook.

Before I unfollow and block. Don't follow this dickhead @spyder_here I have enough assholes in my life.

@spyder_here Wow I'm being insulted by someone with 18 followers. That really hurts.

@spyder_here what the fuck are u talking about dickhead?

I'm so right its scary.

Coworker is singing and my nuts are hurting. I think they are related.

It's Monday. I don't need a story. What the hell do you want?

I really should get out more.

@suburbansleuth Thanks.

@suburbansleuth Yes you did. Tell the world

@suburbansleuth bahaha. Kicking butt on followers

Nobody look I've need to scratch my nuts.

What is cunnilingus? And can I do it to myself?

I'm beginning to wonder what's wrong with me, because I like you guys so much.

A 1000 spots in this parking lot and the dickhead parks next to me.

My wife thinks pay at the gas pump is the greatest invention ever. I think its a blow job. You can't see eye to eye on everything.

I'm in the perfect love triangle. I'm in love with: me, myself, and I.