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Do you know what the difference between a man's wife and a man's girlfriend is? About 20 pounds.
Why don't homeless people have rhythm?
Just saw a shitty Honda with a high maintenance personalized tag. That one writes itself.
I play the lottery every week. If I win I'm going to pay someone to beat the hell out of everyone who sends me a game request Facebook.
I'm so right its scary.
Coworker is singing and my nuts are hurting. I think they are related.
It's Monday. I don't need a story. What the hell do you want?
I really should get out more.
Nobody look I've need to scratch my nuts.
What is cunnilingus? And can I do it to myself?
I'm beginning to wonder what's wrong with me, because I like you guys so much.
A 1000 spots in this parking lot and the dickhead parks next to me.
My wife thinks pay at the gas pump is the greatest invention ever. I think its a blow job. You can't see eye to eye on everything.
I'm in the perfect love triangle. I'm in love with: me, myself, and I.