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people who get dumped should be called dumplings
EZ Bae Coven™
what if mercury in retrograde was a euphemism for having your period
Harrison Ford is 8 years older now than Alec Guinness was in 1977
the whole concept of Ghostbusting is outdated and insensitive to Ghost Americans tbqh
congrats Jessica McClintock on designing all the Oscar dresses this year
I don't even take Ambien and I just opened my laptop to a half-filled entry form for a win-a-banana-suit contest
BROS to do the laundry BROS to clean up my room BROS in the bathroom BROS to do some dishes
when they say not to put q-tips in your ears, they don't mean me
if I ever have a kid, I'm having a gender reveal party where you open a box & godzilla pops out & kills everyone
Jon Hamm has the Emmy curse that makes you super handsome with a monster dong pants can barely contain
I'm personally relieved to know honey is bee vomit, I always assumed it came from their butts
a website I visited just had an Oreo overlay ad that wouldn't close and that is a metaphor for my life
I don't need a weatherman to tell me to expect 10 inches
omg: Steely Dan/Danielle Steele
I hate when people say they are passionate. Gross.
10% tweets about vin diesel singing, 20% about therapy -- the rest is bee dicks and oatmeal
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