people who get dumped should be called dumplings

if I ever have a kid, I'm having a gender reveal party where you open a box & godzilla pops out & kills everyone

Jon Hamm has the Emmy curse that makes you super handsome with a monster dong pants can barely contain

I'm personally relieved to know honey is bee vomit, I always assumed it came from their butts

I don't need a weatherman to tell me to expect 10 inches

omg: Steely Dan/Danielle Steele

Everybody needs to know about the Itty Bitty Kitty Committee (if for the sets alone): http://t.co/tgbTAm70 http://t.co/gq9wb10x

I hate when people say they are passionate. Gross.

my new diet is using my fork with my non-dominant hand

It's cool that young people don't care that Bon Iver sounds like Bruce Hornsby

I want to tie cans to my bumper & put a 'JUST WORRIED' sign on the back of my car

I have dinner reservations the next two Fridays. Next thing you know I'll wear pantyhose & listen to voicemail

"I am a person before I am a girl" @cat_marnell & I share this. Famous men write tons of recovery memoirs though: http://t.co/3yh07r1I

Somebody please do everything for me

I already don't want to get up in the morning

brobedience

omg, how many more halloweens do we have left this year??

I hope if I ever have a kid that they're really good at gifs and photoshop

"may you always fall asleep 10 minutes before you think you hear mice in the walls"~ Irish prayer or some shit

It's never enough to disagree with a person when you can burn them at the stake. As a witch, I'm only sharing the experience of my people