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people who get dumped should be called dumplings
if I ever have a kid, I'm having a gender reveal party where you open a box & godzilla pops out & kills everyone
Jon Hamm has the Emmy curse that makes you super handsome with a monster dong pants can barely contain
I'm personally relieved to know honey is bee vomit, I always assumed it came from their butts
I don't need a weatherman to tell me to expect 10 inches
omg: Steely Dan/Danielle Steele
I hate when people say they are passionate. Gross.
my new diet is using my fork with my non-dominant hand
It's cool that young people don't care that Bon Iver sounds like Bruce Hornsby
I want to tie cans to my bumper & put a 'JUST WORRIED' sign on the back of my car
I have dinner reservations the next two Fridays. Next thing you know I'll wear pantyhose & listen to voicemail
Somebody please do everything for me
I already don't want to get up in the morning
omg, how many more halloweens do we have left this year??
I hope if I ever have a kid that they're really good at gifs and photoshop
"may you always fall asleep 10 minutes before you think you hear mice in the walls"~ Irish prayer or some shit
It's never enough to disagree with a person when you can burn them at the stake. As a witch, I'm only sharing the experience of my people
Senior Editor Good Parts Media. Writer @xoJanedotcom. Co-Host Rock Trauma monthly reading series. Hungry, angry, lonely, tired. I have a sewing machine.