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'every girl wants to be a princess' -- wrong.
people who get dumped should be called dumplings
what if mercury in retrograde was a euphemism for having your period
Harrison Ford is 8 years older now than Alec Guinness was in 1977
BROS to do the laundry BROS to clean up my room BROS in the bathroom BROS to do some dishes
when they say not to put q-tips in your ears, they don't mean me
if I ever have a kid, I'm having a gender reveal party where you open a box & godzilla pops out & kills everyone
Jon Hamm has the Emmy curse that makes you super handsome with a monster dong pants can barely contain
I'm personally relieved to know honey is bee vomit, I always assumed it came from their butts
I don't need a weatherman to tell me to expect 10 inches
omg: Steely Dan/Danielle Steele
I hate when people say they are passionate. Gross.
walking past a raccoon sitting on a trash can eating a sandwich with two hands and you both just nod
you never forget the Cracker Barrel bathroom sink where you left your 1st engagement ring
um, you guys realize happiness as a permanent goal is basically satanism, right
do you ever just wanna ALL CAPS the FUCK out of someone
my new diet is using my fork with my non-dominant hand