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'every girl wants to be a princess' -- wrong.
people who get dumped should be called dumplings
what if mercury in retrograde was a euphemism for having your period
when they say not to put q-tips in your ears, they don't mean me
if I ever have a kid, I'm having a gender reveal party where you open a box & godzilla pops out & kills everyone
Jon Hamm has the Emmy curse that makes you super handsome with a monster dong pants can barely contain
I'm personally relieved to know honey is bee vomit, I always assumed it came from their butts
I don't need a weatherman to tell me to expect 10 inches
omg: Steely Dan/Danielle Steele
I hate when people say they are passionate. Gross.
you never forget the Cracker Barrel bathroom sink where you left your 1st engagement ring
um, you guys realize happiness as a permanent goal is basically satanism, right
do you ever just wanna ALL CAPS the FUCK out of someone
my new diet is using my fork with my non-dominant hand
It's cool that young people don't care that Bon Iver sounds like Bruce Hornsby
can we stop being shocked that people are gorgeous without make-up?
I want to tie cans to my bumper & put a 'JUST WORRIED' sign on the back of my car