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'every girl wants to be a princess' -- wrong.
people who get dumped should be called dumplings
EZ Bae Coven™
what if mercury in retrograde was a euphemism for having your period
Harrison Ford is 8 years older now than Alec Guinness was in 1977
congrats Jessica McClintock on designing all the Oscar dresses this year
I don't even take Ambien and I just opened my laptop to a half-filled entry form for a win-a-banana-suit contest
BROS to do the laundry BROS to clean up my room BROS in the bathroom BROS to do some dishes
when they say not to put q-tips in your ears, they don't mean me
if I ever have a kid, I'm having a gender reveal party where you open a box & godzilla pops out & kills everyone
Jon Hamm has the Emmy curse that makes you super handsome with a monster dong pants can barely contain
I'm personally relieved to know honey is bee vomit, I always assumed it came from their butts
I don't need a weatherman to tell me to expect 10 inches
omg: Steely Dan/Danielle Steele
I hate when people say they are passionate. Gross.
no one is born a man. babies are not men.
if your kid is named Monroe I'm going to assume you're a HUGE Too Close For Comfort fan
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