this salad has everything. lettuce, spinach, leaves, twigs, eggs, branches, a mean bird pecking at me, ranch dressing

sext: i kiss ur mouth + touch ur boobs alot. i reach in ur underware and feel ur pussey. its gross and wet. ew did you pee or something lol

I found obama's secret gay agenda. *its a pocket planner covered in pink stickers. He penciled in appointments such as "kiss a cute boy"*

Hey @barackobama I know your dirty little secret https://t.co/pGnpJ7Ty http://t.co/TE6Q9aRL

SON, for the last time, GET IN THE DAMN CAR. Turn that anime machine off or YOUR Final Fantasy will be a dad that doesn't beat your gay ass.

A cool guy is smokeing weed in a thunderstorm. A lightening bolt strikes the end of his joint and he gets hella high

Face down ass up, thats the way I pick up stuff

A wallet chain is a good way to protect yourself from pickpockets because it lets them know you already spent all your cash on disturbed CDs

.@pizzahut went to store your employe just stared at me unblinking + whispered some sort of enchantment at my pizza? also your crust is bad

Good Cop / Sad Cop. One cop is really nice to you but the other is crying uncontrollably because you killed that family just admit it

I bring a girl back to my house. We are kissing as we enter my room. My bed is a sweet racecar bed. Man my bed is cool. We fuck forever

MAN THIS CLUB IS CRAZY. LIKE REALLY CRAZY FOR REAL. THERES A BANSHEE SCREAMING OVER THERE AND I THINK SOMEONE JUST THREW A JELLYFISH

yr finally about to have sex with the girl of yr dreams. you reach for a condom - no wait - you reach for your phone and tweet "hi haters"

Your Honor, I plead the FISH! *I pull tuna out of my pockets and throw it around. The jury is cats they eat all the tuna and set me free*

#SignsSheWantsTheD She didn't try very hard on her assignment and she didn't even answer half the questions. She deserves the D

I dont want no shrub, shrub is a bush who cant get no love from me. Planted on the lefthand side of my neighbors drive, tryin 2 grow a leaf

No one texts like gaston, no one sexts like gaston, no one dms you pics of their breasts like gaston.

i get sexually horney when i see a tity. aw man my sex penis feels funy i just want to stick it in stuff. pudding. butts. other soft things

I Cried When Sonic and Tails kissed

#replacebandnameswithbacon Sometimes I like to tuck my weiner between my legs and try to pee backwards through my buttcheeks