It’s already been like 4 hours now since the last iTunes update. Something must be terribly wrong.

It's an unwritten law that If your name is Chad, you have to tie a sweater around your shoulders and always act like a douche.

Beware aspiring rappers: you’re just a tiny mistake away from announcing on Facebook that your dream is to be a raper.

Fact: You lose the friendship of at least two people every time you shout the word “booyah.”

A Dane Cook special came on Comedy Central last night and I actually heard my TV start to cry.

I wish I was always the person I am when I'm 4 beers deep.

Wow, my horoscope today totally applies to my life! Wait, what the fuck, so do all the other 11 horoscopes.

Wearing a Bayside Tigers t-shirt and drinking Michelob Ultras at the bar. So yeah…won’t be getting laid tonight.

The person I interact with most is my Chinese food delivery guy.

When Ke$ha goes broke from a lack of talent, the dollar sign in her name will be awesomely ironic.

“We’ll give you the validation your parents never did.” – Favstar Mission Statement

Just ate this exotic food called a "salad." Steer clear of it people.

You know when you send drunk texts to someone and then reread them the next day. Yeah that.

A good way to tell people you’ve never had sex is by wearing a Star Trek t-shirt.

We get it dude, you have an Ipad. – Sent from someone who thinks you should go fuck yourself

Girl on phone who I order breakfast from every morning called me sweetie today. That means we’re dating now right?

Whenever I’m feeling bad about myself, I just watch that show Intervention for like 3 minutes.

If you’re one of those chicks who retweets your daily horoscope, just hate me now because I already hate you.

Note to self: stop saying note to self.

Wish I was as serious about my career as I am about choosing a beer pong partner.