If I ever get a time machine, I'm gonna kidnap a bunch of settlers from North Carolina and carve "Croatoan" into a tree....OH SHIIIIIIII

#HaszFacts @stephhasz is to booze and shouting as Sonic The Hedgehog is to gold rings.


Same hair as well.

Having a pet octopus is really stupid if it's really just a bunch of snakes taped together.

If we're gonna be serious I feel like you should be wary of the coven of high school witches dictating my every move @bergified

Can we as a culture make it illegal to use Gary Jules's cover of Mad World in previews and in pensive medical drama montages?

@krissimmons @stephhasz The Hasz Hour: 30 Minutes of Jokes, 30 Minutes of uncontrollable sobbing. You'd make a mint.

@thealux thanks for making me want to listen to The Breeders again. Side note: You should call yr band My Bloody Cannonballs.

@apollilaire The Committee On The Galactic Nothingness would like to have a word with you.

Today is my favorite twitter day

@stephhasz You know why I like you? Cause you look how minotaurs feel. #TrafficJamTweets

By the way The Ladies Of Taco Bell is a great name for a calendar of lady comics. @stephhasz get on that.

RT @chrisweathis WHUR DAT PEANUT BRITLE HOE?

#FF @chrisweathis @newtgingrich

In his younger days Treebeard was known as Mosspubes. #EntIfunny

@stephhasz I first read the last line as "Get On Beard". Didn't really think twice as it seemed apropos. #BeardRider

New goal: Be good at something...anything.

New hobby: run 3 ft behind a jogger until they notice then scream "FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS" in my metalest voice then run away.

Fact: @andyandyfleming is known as the first meta human as he is constructed entirely of legomen. #FlemingFacts

White guys complaining about not having anything to complain about is the new plaid.

@iamenidcoleslaw Don't forget Firework Parties and borrowing each others hair. #frenz