If retweets were girlfriends, I'd be Elton John.

Twitter: Where slander is legal and sodomy encouraged.

Never fear - the one sock that didn't make it into the wash IS the crusty one.

No toilet paper. Looks like I'll be doing the canine power scoot across my roommate's carpet.

Dude, get out of my way or I'm gonna shit your pants.

I need to cut back tweeting on the toilet. Everyone thinks I have serious health problems.

Oh alcohol, you backstabbing bitch, we meet again.

I don't see how dismembering a rabbit brings good luck. Next thing you'll be saying is raping a Care Bear makes your dick bigger.

When I'm bored, I go to Macy's, try on women's underwear, and practice my pelvic thrusts in front of the tri-fold mirrors. I'm a sensation.

Did I masturbate in the shower? Yes. Did I use your washcloth to clean up? Yes. Did I enjoy it? Until you yelled at me for barging in, yes.

Hey dipshits, don't act like edgy hipsters when you work at the apple store. It makes no fucking sense.

I wonder if Eminem will get involved in tornado relief aid and say on live tv that Obama doesn't care about white people.

Tweets about Twitter get way more stars because everyone either gets it, or really wants to get it.

My 666th tweet! OMG it's just as disappointing as everything else I've done with my entire life!

I wouldn't look for sex on Craigslist unless I was horny.

Menthol shaving cream should really have a "NOT FOR USE ON SCROTE, WILL CREATE WEIRD CHEMICAL BURN FEELING" warning.

Walking back into the bathroom after deucing is like stepping on your own land mine.

Scariest Hybrid Ever: Spider Shark. I've already convinced myself it exists somewhere. Probably in Australia.

If black is slimming, then maybe the Ethiopians aren't really that bad off?



(I know, I'm going down on the express elevator.)

I'm gonna call my parents and tell them I died. And then I'll kill myself when they don't believe me.
Best April Fools Prank EVER!