I think I need to start wearing sweatpants so I can dig a little deeper in my ass when I scratch.

Nestle owns Jenny Craig? What kind of fuckery is that?

I just sexually harassed someone. It's okay though, they don't work here

Don't fuck married men and you won't be disappointed when they stay with their wives.

I had to write a witness statement for the police last night. Odds are I wrote "I like big dicks in my ass" or something.

I'm Seriously starting to think that you guys really are addicted to the whole Favstar stars & RT thing.

Before Twitter, I talked to myself. Now I talk to myself on Twitter

Penises are great, every guy should have one. Oh, they do? Well then! Every guy should learn how to use his.

Male vs Female Friendships http://t.co/Hvc3JpZx

I'll never understand how people have sex in the bathroom at a bar. If you don't catch something from your partner you will from the wall

If I died today and anyone looked through my phone, my family would throw me in a dumpster rather than give me a proper burial.

When I'm rich I've decided I'll buy homeless people state-of-the-art shopping carts complete w/wheel spikes for an advantage in can fights

Some of you remind me of that slime that gets on deli meat when it gets old.

My tweets are sexual in nature tonight. I apologize. No I don't.

Friend: we should fuck him.

Me: whoa! I'm not going there again.

Friend: no, I have ammo.

Me: Oh! fuck him over? Sure!

In other news, Americans are fat. And lazy. There go your comebacks, Canadians. We insult ourselves here

Fuck Tweet of the Day. I'm going for Tweet of the Century. Twitter is full of underachievers, as usual!

Sometimes when you step back, you realize you too were once nuts.

I have 310 favorites. That either means you guys are lame or I am lazy. I think you've figured it out.

I'm currently feeling like the world can suck the longest oldest ballsack in the world straight down their throat