I shot the sheriff but I did not fuck up the gulf like BP

I have to go to a sexual harassment class at 4pm. I'm so glad they are finally going to teach me how to do it right!!! :)

I'm sure we can believe whatever a BP official says. #Justsaying

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me! So push me up against a wall, and show me that you like me!

Did you know?..........
Snails can sleep for three years without eating.

It puts the lotion on its skin........honestly please......everyone is tired of looking at your ashy elbows

Insomnia's a bitch when you have a job to get to in the morning.

Great. Now I'm hungry. I so shouldn't have passed on that sausage biscuit this morning.

What you say I look a little yellow? No, no, no......that's just the cirrhosis setting in. Now pass me the Everclear™ and shut up

It's official. After visiting for 5 minutes with old friends, I know for sure I was raised in a hick town.

Don't think I suck? You should see me with a plate of spaghetti. What? I'm not the only one who has problems keeping the pasta on the fork.

Trying to come up with a good excuse to call in sick tomorrow. Wonder how many of these eggs do I need to eat?

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

Just got my first 50 stars on one tweet! Yay! I'd like to think all the little people, cause midgets are cool!!!

Celibate. Not by choice. Well a little by choice. I do have standards. What a waste!

Today is a great day to get fucked up!

I hate having standards sometimes.

Ok who sent me the twittercrush? Fess up!

Went to ER yesterday. I can tell I live in the hood, cause Dr. asked if I'd rather have shot or pain pills before he even checked me out.

Change that. I'm the epitome of Kelly's Law. Kelly stated that Murphy was an optimist.