In a public restroom I found a sign that read "THINK" on the mirror above the sink so I labelled the soap dispenser "THOAP" to match with it

The phrase "Silence is golden" doesn't make any sense because duct tape is silver.

The easiest way to confuse a woman is to give her a choice.

My friends bought me a mood ring that turns green when I'm happy and leaves a big red mark on their forehead when I'm mad.

My boyfriend died 3 weeks ago. I miss him so much that I can't forget his last wish -- "Please Farrah, put down the goddamn gun!"

Reflections on this mirror appear uglier than they really are because of the erroneous standards of beauty set by our judgemental society.

Humans are creatures with a two-sided brain: On the left side, there's nothing right and on the right side, there's nothing left.

If you watch Jaws backwards, it's about a shark with gastritis that keeps throwing up people until they all have fun on the beach.

You think your spouse loves you?Put them & a dog in the trunk of the car for a day. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

Even grudges have feelings. They like it when you hold them.

Pro tip: kill people. It makes them die.

*2012 date*
Him:So what's your hobby?
Me:I tweet!
Him:I meant your "outdoors hobby"?
Me:Oh, my outdoors hobby is going back inside to tweet!

The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.

I upgraded from "looking for the man I'd spend my life with" to "looking for the man my children would spend every other weekend with".

My Mother asked me to suggest names for my brother's prospective children. I said I'll name the girl 'Denise' and the boy 'Denephew'.

A heart is like proper grammar. Everyone can use it but only a few know how.

I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, he's always there. 10 paces ahead of me.

Too many TV ads about how you can remove blood stains off clothes with detergents & none about how you can hide the body? Where's the logic?

If "Die trying" doesn't appeal to you, try dying.

Of course I support the supermodel diet. Keep eating them until they all disappear and the rest of us look less fat.