Doing my weekly Anti-virus scan, my laptop is a slut.

Eating my bro's birthday cake bc his bday is over and he's probably adopted.

Top Seven places to take a Flask:
7) Work
6) Movie Theater
5) Bed
4) Grandma's
3) Parent/Teacher Conference
2) Wedding
1) Everywhere Else

I don't block bots on Thursdays...I need to appear popular on Follow Fridays.

I seriously don't want to exercise today aka get up from this chair.

Considering I really don't know any of you, I've concluded that playing Twitter is like playing The Sims.

If you dissolve a vitamin in your coffee you can call it your first meal of the day.

I need to find a DVR for my dreams.

I'm 4 of 7 in not hurting someone's feelings today

I forgot to tell you guys...They shut water off in my building today. I'm only allowed one flush and I just wasted it on a #1.

GPS lady totally sent me to a dark alley & forgot to mention I should have brought nunchucks. #gpsladyishot

Indian people invented pot. I mean seriously, have you seen what some of our Gods look like.

Wow, So when Chuck E. Cheese says "Banned For Life". They really mean it.

I can still poo while wearing my Snuggie.

This Trader Joes is too crowded with hippies for my meds to be effective.

Just put extra onions in my sandwich and there's not a damn thing non-existent girlfriend can do about it.

This workout probably wont burn any calories considering i'm twittering,wearing pants,google mapping myself,whistling& rockin 2 Taylor Swift

Twitter might crash tonight at 11pm and that would be the end of the world...this might be the ONLY chance for me and you to...you know...

Trying to decide if I want to be the DD for girls that won't bang me or eating half a blueberry pie that will.

QUICK...Someone knock the crap out of me...I need to get back to that sex dream!!! #FML