I feel so violated whenever there's a bee in my house and I didn't invite him in.

Sure I love Thai food but not stumble out of the restaurant with a piece of ginger in my shoe and Pad Thai noodles stuck to my skirt.

OOPS!

Hey girl, that Aussie Sprunch Spray you're rocking reminded me that I need to find my Walkman.

Bed bugs are cool because now I never sleep alone

I'm Canadian, but not "I speak Don Cherry" Canadian.

To be fair, at Chara's altitude any stick is a high stick. #hnic

Sad how many people in the theater obviously never read The Great Gatsby.

My 71-year-old mother has made her pot of tea and has settled in to watch the hockey game.

Don't disappoint her, Leafs!

I have reached the point in my life where Happy Hour means I get to take a nap.

I don't care how good you are to me, if you knock up my sister I'll break up with you.

If I don’t like a guy, I eat a box of White Cheddar Cheez-Its on his porch, chewing all slowly and staring in his window. “Nice porch, guy.”

I asked fiancée if she wanted cut up hot dogs in her eggs. She replied no, she hates hotdogs. My little Mexican heart broke into tiny pieces

People who are condescending towards others would be embarrassed to know their insecurity is showing.

Wish there was a place where we could write random nonsense just to see if any little imaginary people would react to it.

Hey, people who eat pre-packaged corner store sushi: how's that watery bowel working out for you?

I've never waited on tables but I do have a liberal arts degree!

My son is at that awesome stage in life where he has no idea what the word no means.

"Can I borrow a tools" is a fun thing to say to your dad when he's drinking in a garage with his friends.

i wish mariah carey would just fucking swallow whatever she's holding in her cheeks already.

Don't ever ask me if I wanna see something cool. Of course I wanna see something cool.