Keep your eyes (or eye, Mary) on the goal. #cruellyspecificofficeposter

@dbrady @xunker PHP is like English: full of obnoxious rules and gotchas, and currently the most influential language on the planet.

If you're not comfortable with Muslims on your flight, YOU can get off. This needs explaining because all racists are morons.

CSS is our generation's Vietnam.

Newt Gingrich: less military experience than pacifist Ron Paul, more wives than Mormon Mitt Romney.

"Ricksantorum!" Tell me that doesn't sound like a spell Harry Potter would cast. On a Gingrich newt.

I wish the word "Nevermore!" was said more frequently, just so I could use my new joke, "That's what SHE quoth."

One of the main purposes of science fiction is to help nerds like me forget how dissapointingly slow the speed of light is.

If you chance to see a frown, don't mess with it in Photoshop. pic.twitter.com/CUkSYlS8

Hey @nasa - when the final shuttle lands, you all HAVE to greet their return wearing Planet of the Apes costumes.

The new unit of measurement for crack cocaine will henceforth be the "millisheen". (via @dbrady, and my own black soul)

I do tweet a lot about food. I do. But it's only because my brain bacon chocolate drink syrup mouth eat. Waffle.

HA! I remembered our anniversary, and my wife forgot! I WON OUR MARRIAGE!

Pat Robertson says Haiti is being punished for swearing "a pact with the devil" two centuries ago. Man, his god is SLOOOW.

You know why new home purchases are down? Because we're all tired of settling for houses with NO SECRET PASSAGES. #secretpassages #important

Going off sugary AND artificially-sweetened sodas means I'm drinking WATER. USA: where drinking clean water is depressing.

The more complicated the smiley you use, the longer your programmer friends stare, wondering if it's just a broken regex. \,,/ (-_-) \,,/

Stupid Words With Friends. Whaddya mean, snuddle and hugzle aren't words! How do YOU make a baby?

Well. So. We are in the future. It mostly looks the same. EXCEPT THIS. RT @tehviking @jaredfitch: THIS IS INSANE! http://bit.ly/ijSjJB

Sometimes when I see how much life insurance I have, I get excited for when I die. And that's why I don't trust my brain on important stuff.