At Obama's second inaugural address, he pulls off his mask scooby-doo style to reveal he's the devil. @realdonaldtrump says "I told you so!"

Hot Pockets: Breakfast of champions and the obese. Or in my case, the Champion Obese

I can't wait till I get old and the lamest jokes are suddenly hilarious to me

Friday night costume party: Breaking Bad- Jesse, Walt, and Hulk pic.twitter.com/gF0xBHrmap

Actually, I know exactly how I'm going to die: Some gangbanger is going to break in and shoot up the place while I'm making hot dogs

The only things that matter are music, comic book violence, and T. rexes

The moment I go out of my way to help a female without expecting sexual favors in return is the moment I have matured

@snackinkraken Its the moment we've waited years for  http://www.spin.com/articles/soundgarden-dave-grohl-behind-the-scenes-by-crooked-steps-video-deadmau5 …

Set Adobe Flash to automatically update. You're on the honor system, Adobe Flash!

@snackinkraken God, she probably thought you were some kind of commitment freak

It goes :/, :D, :p, :), 8==D-3 (), ;)

Running the Gauntlet is the time between the shower and dry clothes.

I now have just as many Tour de France wins as Lance Armstrong

Little person carries ring. Shenanigans happen #SixWordFilmPlots

My belly button is like a Sarlac pit where lint goes to die

#TweatYourFear Making a grammatical error on the internet like saying "tweat" instead of "tweet"

@snackinkraken I'd like to read your tweets without crying uncontrollably

I got cockblocked by my own phone last night. Next stop for this piece of shit phone is the bottom of the ocean.

Did I seriously just criticize bad camera directing while watching this porn?

It goes Monday Madness, Vasectomy Tuesday, Werewolf Wednesday, THORsday, Follow Friday, Fraturday, and then Sunday Funday. Get it right!