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Hot Pockets: Breakfast of champions and the obese. Or in my case, the Champion Obese
I carry groceries like Rambo carries ammo
"You're mother wouldn't kiss me until our 3rd date. It made the sex on the first 2 dates very impersonal."
I feel like I had to do something involving a dragon today
Wolf brand chili is probably the best dog food I've ever had
I can't wait till I get old and the lamest jokes are suddenly hilarious to me
Actually, I know exactly how I'm going to die: Some gangbanger is going to break in and shoot up the place while I'm making hot dogs
The only things that matter are music, comic book violence, and T. rexes
The moment I go out of my way to help a female without expecting sexual favors in return is the moment I have matured
@snackinkraken Its the moment we've waited years for http://www.spin.com/articles/soundgarden-dave-grohl-behind-the-scenes-by-crooked-steps-video-deadmau5 …
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It goes :/, :D, :p, :), 8==D-3 (), ;)
Running the Gauntlet is the time between the shower and dry clothes.
I now have just as many Tour de France wins as Lance Armstrong
My belly button is like a Sarlac pit where lint goes to die