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My favorite part of the bible is when god gives people free will and then kills everyone with a flood for not acting the way he wanted .
In Canada, Miles Davis is known as Kilometers Davis.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
If you're having a bad day , just remember ...
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
I'm a huge fan of 50 cent, or as he's known in Africa, 4 million dollars.
My swear jar just bought me a fucking puppy .
What is a hashtag ? Can we smoke it ?
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Hitchhikers won't kill you if you kill them first.
I would actually read a book if it could get me drunk .
I find it funny that it's only ok to hear voices in your head if they talk about religion.
All you white people look like Tom Hanks .
Amish porn is probably just watching a woman churn butter.
It seriously only takes a couple RT's from the right people to make your twitter dreams come true. Don't be stingy fuckface.
I wish I could personally punch every mosquito in the fucking face .
Funny how you don't see Oprah or Bigfoot in the same room.
I discovered I was double jointed when I was able to jack off while handcuffed in the back of a cop car .
At a bulimic bachelor party does the cake jump out of the girl ?
I dream to be the first human to have a fist fight in deep space. http://favstar.fm/users/RatBatallion