My favorite part of the bible is when god gives people free will and then kills everyone with a flood for not acting the way he wanted .

In Canada, Miles Davis is known as Kilometers Davis.

The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .

If you're having a bad day , just remember ...

All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .

I'm a huge fan of 50 cent, or as he's known in Africa, 4 million dollars.

My swear jar just bought me a fucking puppy .

What is a hashtag ? Can we smoke it ?

Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger. 

Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?

Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.

Do you believe in aliens ?

If so , do they have genitals?

Hitchhikers won't kill you if you kill them first. 

I would actually read a book if it could get me drunk . 

I find it funny that it's only ok to hear voices in your head if they talk about religion.

All you white people look like Tom Hanks . 

Amish porn is probably just watching a woman churn butter.

It seriously only takes a couple RT's from the right people to make your twitter dreams come true. Don't be stingy fuckface. 

I wish I could personally punch every mosquito in the fucking face .

Funny how you don't see Oprah or Bigfoot in the same room.

I discovered I was double jointed when I was able to jack off while handcuffed in the back of a cop car .

At a bulimic bachelor party does the cake jump out of the girl ?