Sean Connery could never tell a girl to sit on his face without some serious confusion.

Statistically, 1 in 25 of us lives next door to a pedophile.
Not me though.
I live next to a fucking stunning pair of seven year olds.

Don't get carried away America. Bin Laden was just a poster child.
That's like killing Ronald McDonald and expecting McDonalds to shut down.

Religion is like a penis.

It's fine to have one.
It's fine to be proud of it.
Just don't shout about it & ram it down my kid's throat.

Want to see something amazing?
Go in to a nerdy movie memorabilia store and say aloud, 'Technically, Vampires are a type of zombie.'

I wonder how many RTs this can get:

Cock
Cunt
Fuck
Piss
Shit
Balls
Twat

When life hands to lemons, make lemonade, earn some cash, put it on red, by some coke, ruin your life, lose your family and commit suicide.

Women can get married to women, artificially inseminated, work and live without men but who the fuck is opening your jar of pickle?!
WHO?!!?

The person in charge of @o2's Social Media department is a fucking hero:
http://t.co/ID6CxeTq

Its ironic that slavery was abolished 200 years ago and now black men are obsessed with wearing the biggest chain..

CoWrittenBy @prosextips

Men always say, 'if I was a woman for a day I wouldn't even leave the house!!'

That's because you'd be doing the dishes and cleaning.

It's not gay to drink cocktails with hotpants & a pink shirt on whilst BBQing vegan sausages with showtunes playing.
It's gay to fuck a dude

African kids get to play real life Call Of Duty on their Kony Playstation.

#MakingJokesOutOfAtrocitiesSince1981

Lights up a room =
Dies young.

Wouldn't hurt a fly =
Serial killer.

Kept himself to himself = Paedophile cannibal.

Is it right to peer over at your neighbour's 13 year old, bikini wearing daughter sunbathing in their garden?
Personally, I'm on the fence.

'Science flies you to the moon.
Religion flies you into buildings.'

- GENUINE atheism billboard on a bus.

I've been searching for ages for the topless photo of Kate Middleton!
Here it is:
http://t.co/r5BO24Aj

#RoyalScandal

Unless it's a chaser, buying a 9" pizza should be banned.

I'm eating a snickers whilst having a shit.
I feel like I'm in The Human Centipede.

If you rearrange all of the lines in ALF you get a pretty good swastika