I don't remember teaching my dogs to sigh at every fucking thing I do.

I was watching a half hour of commercials and an episode of Wheel of Fortune kept interrupting it.

If I'm lost and it's raining and I ask you for directions, for the love of money, don't use fancy words like Southwest.

I love you. What's your name?

Facebook = MySpace 2: electric boogaloo

There are two types of people who fly; those who want to cuddle on the plane and those who don't. The guy beside me is category #1.

I just fed the animals. Now it's time for their piano lessons.

If you lie to people and tell them you’ve never had a pizza you liked…they give you lots of pizza to try.

You had me at "I have a tab open"

The Canadian version is Apologetic Birds.

Her biological time bomb is ticking.

That awkward moment when you crack under pressure and forget how to talk when it's time to leave a voicemail

My husband calls Pepto Bismol "pepto biz-mo", but there's not a box for that on these divorce papers.

Paris Hilton becoming a DJ? It's just getting too easy for these Mayans, really.

20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.

I can over-analyze the funny right out of it :(

The chinese are so stubborn, take chopsticks for example.

Apparently nacho cheese doesn't count as fountain drink at 7-11

"I'M NOT A KID!!" ~ kids

I dare you to get close to my lunch again, girl with bite marks on her hand