69% of the world's population is immature.


Lol, 69.

I'm pretty good at juggling*.


*substituting words.

"Fuck! Bitches get money." - Recently divorced rappers.

I hate getting in arguments with fat people, because no matter who walks away, they're always going to be the bigger person.

Just saw two guys walk into a bar. It wasn't that funny.

If you even think about tracking your Domino's pizza, something tells me you should be ordering a salad instead.

R is just a P with a huge dick.

Wait, so Coachella isn't just a bunch of sports coaches eating Nutella?

I wonder if right click is jealous of all the action left click gets.

Just ate a cheeseburger using other cheeseburgers as buns because America.

"More like Fifty Shades of Lay's," I say as I cascade a bunch of potato chips onto my naked body.

People with Parkinson's disease. #SMH

I'm not too sure, but I've always referred to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers as the Tampon Gay Fuckin' Queers. #McTotD

I put an IV in my boner & now I'm Bon Iver.

Are you sure you want to fight me? I'm a black belt. & by belt, I mean guy.

Hi, I'm a girl. I hate drama, the word "moist," & when people look at my feet.

Prostitutes stand on corners, right? So does that mean the area between corners would be known as the cock block?

If your name is Guy, your parents didn't love you. If you name is Girl, your parents REALLY didn't love you.

The 1980s called. They said something, but I was too busy wondering how a time period could operate a phone.

Larry King talking about Whitney Houston's death is freaking me out, considering he's been dead for 14 years.