I wish my wife would hurry up and finish the yard work. I'm starving.

My wife's superpower is her ability to leave the kitchen seconds before her extra loud tea kettle starts whistling.

I still have the six-pack I had when I was 21. I've just decided to insulate it for the last 20 years.

Witnessing twitter meltdowns is better than real life meltdowns. I can never figure out the snickering protocol in person.

OK. A signed hat is not that impressive. I'll give away a signed pair of game worn boxer briefs to my 500th follower. By game I mean used.

My new pick up line, "my balls would look great hanging from you chin" is not producing desired results. I'll keep you posted.

The only thing sadder than having a "strange addiction" is putting it on T.V.

My power went out last night.

Wife: I guess we can pass the time talking.

Me: Why, my phone still works.

It's not gambling if you're smarter than the game.

My wife thinks twitter is stupid. I'm going to let her live in her fantasy world.

I wish my cock was a pacifier for hot chicks.

I had oral surgery yesterday. As a result I have found that Hydrocodon and bourbon work well together.

Mondays aren't so bad. I usually spend half of the day explaining scars from the weekend. Alcohol and gravity seem to be the main culprits.

If I had a dime for every idiot I work with, I'd be up to my ass in dimes.

If you pronounce the "H" in herbs, I hate everything about you. Unless your hot. I like hot.

Do any of you know anyone who has ever drank Miller High Life and liked it?

So, I don't tweet for a week and I lose four followers. Can you say separation anxiety?

#FF @lesliet8 @dhmayor @bigdickhertzem @irish_girlie @mrsbaker420 @cherhole @thefakecnn @thehoyboy @thethryll @canadian_jane @stellartwot

Did @thatgabi try one of those new maxi pads with the designs on them?

Yeah, yeah. Bin Laden's dead. I'm still pissed he made us kill him in the first place. I'd like to throw a party for Seal Team 6.