"Hi, I'm Ryan Dunn, and this is called the Drunk Driver!"

You guys are confusing "Jon Bon Jovi" and "Jon Bon Jovi's career".

Kim Kardashian got cast to be in the next Tyler Perry movie, making this the second time she will be exploited on camera by a black man.

MTV named their show "I Just Want My Pants Back" in honor of Lil Wayne's performance tonight.

Since I played Tetris so much as a child, I quickly learned that people who are tall & skinny will never be there for me when I need them.

My ex canceled on our lunch plans because she's "so sick of my bullshit & we never had lunch plans and never dated you creepass". Adorable.

OMG. Someone broke into my apartment last night, placed 12 empty Corona bottles neatly on my table, and hit me in the head with a hammer.

@dailythunder - What if Jeremy Lamb just grew his sideburns out to a ridiculous length? Lambchops are the new Beard? Make the tshirts.

When you start to feel bad about your life, just remember that you have exactly the same amount of NBA Championship rings as Lebron James.

If you follow me from out of state you should know that the people here are the most resilient I've ever known. We take care of each other.

And just like that, a million Minnesota Vikings "NFC Championship!" tshirts are being shipped to kids in Haiti.

In his final act of terrorism, Osama Bin Laden is blowing up my Twitter feed.

So an SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, pub, drink, drinks, beer, liquor, whiskey, Irish, alcohol...

There are no underage girls on the field so Ben Roethlisberger has resorted to screwing his own team.

HEY OKLAHOMA! Here is the benefit show I have been working on. I hope you'll join us! Please RT! pic.twitter.com/pHit39144b

Do you think the cute girl at Starbucks will know what I mean if I start stirring my coffee with a pregnancy test?

Lakers: "stop, plz"

Durant: "lol no"

It's not you, it's my ridiculously high standards.

I think Rihanna should be on the cover of Chris Brown's "Greatest Hits" album.

Obama should create a new government agency that's just a bunch of scientists making sure that Gary England lives forever.