Congratulations, Amy Winehouse. 4 days sober and counting.

The people who thought the world was flat were more accurate cartographers than Apple Maps.

Seriously. How does EVERY homeless person have a piece of cardboard AND a sharpie?

No matter what shit has gone down in your life, you're reading this. You're alive. You still win. Now kick life's ass proper.

If I have friends dat txt mi like dis n sht, I can put bi-lingual and advanced translation skills on my resume, right?

"Have you seen Django?"
"The wood block game?"
"That's Jenga."
"The movie with the lizard in a cowboy hat?"
"That's Rango."
"Oh. No."

M-I-Z-L-O-L

The MadLibs creator died. I guess he pooped his pooping poop too poop poop wiener poop.

I'm actually fine with SOPA, if it means I get to volunteer to be a Tribute soon for my District. The odds are ever in my favor.

News flash: 99% of your Instagram pictures are so shitty that you are in no danger of them being used for anything.

A commercial just aired for a Words With Friends board game version. Scrabble. It's fucking Scrabble.

If only closed minds came with closed mouths.

Started a drinking game where we take a drink every time @rockwell9000 of @zeale runs his hands through his hair and now we're wasted.

Christmas music sucks. @neontrees "Wish List" doesn't. @tylerinacoma kills it. Buy it here, or be a huge loser: http://bit.ly/cxYQHU

Doesn't matter which one you're a fan of. KU, KSU and Wichita State are all ranked. THAT is fucking awesome.

If my support of gay marriage bothers you, you should know that I also support your inalienable right to fuck off and swallow a knife.

20 children are dead and everybody is turning it into their own political agenda. Everybody shut the fuck up and have some respect.

If you haven't listened to "Wild" by @royalteethmusic yet, then I'm turning you in for ear abuse. Nobody wants that. Do the right thing.

It's great that you sponsor March Madness AT&T, but if you could sponsor "Reliable Fucking Internet", that'd be great too.

I returned my Xoom today; it didn't turn into a spaceship when I picked it up. Piece of shit.