If you see me crying while I'm out with friends in a bar, it just means that I'm the designated driver.

Shhhhh! Be very, very quiet...I'm hunting Sanity.

Guys: Remember how you treated her before she became your wife? Yeah, she'd like that too.

I'm hoping that one day I'm going to wake up and say "That was one fucking bad nightmare" then get ready for another day in the third grade.

For once, I'd love to have a strange woman come up to me off the street and say "You'll do."

I wish Pharmacies were like Salad Bars.

If I was going to be treated like a piece of meat, I'd like to be a Strip of Bacon. I would be so loved.

To all of my followers, thank you for following me I really do appreciate it. To the rest of America...What the Fucks the matter with you?

There comes a time in every man's life when he must say "Ok, I'll do your Mom".

If I had a light saber, there would be a lot of people cut in half.

Guys: If she is humming and dancing around the kitchen while making you a sandwich, then you've done it right.

I send my girlfriend roses to her work just to piss off the other women for her.

Guys, Kissing your woman for no reason at all says more about how much you care about them than any words that come out of a Hallmark card.

Reality sucks. That's why I'm back here.

Twitter - Because the voices in your head need an outlet.

Don't you hate it when eating gets in the way of your drinking?

A degree don't mean shit. It's who you blow that counts.

Pussy: It should be what's for dinner.

When people find out I'm a writer, they always ask me to write them something. So, I pull out my pad and write "You're An Asshole"

A buddy of mine got his wife an ice dildo for their wedding anniversary in the hopes it would warm the bitch up.