I have had the absolute worst luck today. Nobody ever suspects Saturday the 14th.

To all the porn spammers on Twitter: I haven't paid for porn since I was like 7, so stop asking.

My girlfriend will let me fire my torpedo into the reactor vent shaft of her Death Star if I promise to stop using Star Wars references.

Windows 7 freezing every five minutes was my idea, sorry guys. No idea why I suggested that.

The fact that second base is still boob touching and not anal makes me think liberalism has failed us. :(

If I was on the Supreme Court I'd reject cases by saying "let's not make a federal case of it." Then I'd LOL and be all "that's good stuff."

I'm still annoyed that no one shouted "Boner killer!" while Nancy Pelosi was talking.

We need to start holding World Fairs again. I don't like going too long without knowing what the Germans are up to.

I wish we could live in the 50's, where you could call a lady honeybuns and not be in this HR meeting this morning.

Turns out drinking beer is actually good for you, according to the Wikipedia entry on beer that I recently edited.

Going from Modern Family to Cougartown is like going from Radiohead to... umm... some really crappy, old, botox filled band. So, the Stones.

New slogan to help promote breast cancer self examination: check yo self before you wreck yo self. That's a free one ladies.

I just saw someone misspell the word *intelligent* in a tweet. That's not acceptable, not in them internets.

Is that Jude over there? #songprequels

I like my coffee the same way I like my men... Wait, what?! Is this coffee or some sort of truth serum?!

If I lived in NY, I would take off my pants and slap people with my wiener. Then when they're all, "WTF!" i'd be all "Only in New York."

At what point in the new year is it no longer okay to wish someone a happy new year? Also, what's the statute of limitations on murder?

The Jay Leno show is still on in the year 2010. The future blows.

I'm not getting married until gay people are allowed to as well. Or until we legally change 'wife' to 'thing to put wiener in', whatever.

I'm still annoyed that they held the Golden Globes before Tooth Fairy was released. Seemed presumptuous.