What does it say about parenting skills when my 6 y/o says, "Act normal!" when she sees a police car?

I hate it when people exaggerate. I would never do it in a million fucking years.

People who write 'fvcking' instead of 'fucking' are fucking ridicvlous.

This is the most complex game of Follow the Leader I've ever played.

I just unfriended someone on their birthday because the Facebook birthday reminder reminded me that I don't really like him.

We are by far the highest evolved species on the planet because we used our superior intelligence to create beads that you put in your bum.

If I could download a pillow app for my phone, I wouldn't need a home anymore.

New best way to tire out your kids: Hand them a kite on a non-windy day.

We are all millionaires when it comes to stars, so hand them out freely to *your favorite people.

*me

If you and I know each other and I see you in real life, let's not bring up my Twitter.

My iPhone 4 recognizes 'crackhead', but doesn't think 'methhead' is a word. How old school!

I can't wait for the iPhone 5.

Hey mosquito, you should fly a lot quieter if you don't want to fucking die.

I shrank one wool sweater, and now my wife won't let me do the laundry anymore. Best. Mistake. Ever.

Ha ha! I saw a picture of you and it made me laugh so hard that I found a spam link and attached it to the DM I sent you and everyone else.

The first person to ever cry over spilled milk was probably a baby. So, telling it not to cry is a bit insensitive. Grow a fucking heart.

Public Apology: Sorry to everyone for removing all the aeration screens inside your faucets for my bongs when I was a kid and adult.

Twitter takes imaginary friends to a whole new level.

To my kids in the future, we used to have 'mobile phones'. They always ran out of batteries before the end of the day. That always sucked.

My "buddy" let me sit there with a sesame seed stuck to the corner of my mouth for an hour like a chump.

Starting your tweet with the word "Ugh" is the best way to get my attention. #miserylovescompany