Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I'm not too fond of Literacy

I just told my wife to use her inside voice. Mistake, big mistake

I think trying to line up the cursor on my iPhone to edit a tweet is exactly like the stress doctors feel performing open heart surgery

Sometimes I wonder what you all do for a living. Then I realize if I knew,I would never go to a hospital, send my kids to school, eat out...

Stop complaining kids, I have to wear the stupid clothes mom picks out too

If my 3 yr old goes up to you, waves & says hi, just wave back. That way I don't have to rip your arm out of its socket & do it for you

“Daddy, what dinosaur is stronger than T-Rex?” Me (dancing) “The Funkasaurus”. In case you wanted to know when I became uncool to my kids

I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out "stop it" every 30 min

Sometimes I just sit and look at my kids and think "God, please don't let me mess them up too badly"

If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!

It's exhausting being the favorite parent

Went to the gym for the first time in a week. I think the most intense part of my workout was untangling my headphones

"Daddy, I want to watch Dora." Sweetie this is Dora. It's the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

Had to take my sons toys from him & play with them myself. Sorry, but there's no way a Triceratops beats a T-Rex in a fight. Now stop crying

"Daddy, open your eyes". No Daddys tired. "I have a secret". Fine, What? "I love you Daddy, I'll rub your back till you sleep" *heart melts*

Adore. Lose patience. Feel guilty. Repeat. - Parenting

I think pretend Lori adds more value to the group than the real one ever did #TheWalkingDead

Wife to 4yr old son: "Stop grabbing your pee-pee". Me: "Yeah, good luck with that"

Damn! Why couldn't that have been Lori's stomach instead of Herschel's leg? #TheWalkingDead

The newborn baby & a half-dead Carol are already adding more value to the group than Lori did #TheWalkingDead