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A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her "Allison." I write, "Marry me, Allison," in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
You know that scene in 8 Mile where Eminem disses himself so the other guy has nothing to rap about? That's basically my only plan in life.
My phone just auto-corrected "cunt" to "Cynthia" twice. So we've been warned: Cynthias are probably cunts.
True love is dropping half of a sandwich on the floor without anyone seeing, and giving your significant other the clean half.
So glad I'm not bi. It would suck to be rejected by twice as many people.
I don't know why they call them comforters. This blanket doesn't care about my problems AT ALL.
An ugly heart or a closed mind will ruin even the hottest face and body.
Steps for getting over a break-up:
1. Meet with your lover "for old times' sake."
2. Tie them up for kinky sex play.
3. Leave them to die.
"Yeah. I wanna rub my clot while you duck me. I live that, baby." -Autocorrect sext
People probably think I'm trying to clean my phone's screen if they catch me licking it in public, but really, I just like some of your avis
Don't worry; no matter how low you feel, your last shred of dignity always remains. Unless you've fucked someone who wears Crocs.
Not telling me something because you "didn't want to piss me off" is probably the best way to piss me off.
When a guy stops DMing me because he found someone prettier, I just tell myself that he was a serial killer, and that I escaped death.
The cool thing about camping is that you don't need to do it if you have a perfectly good house to live in.
I'm really shitty at deciphering inflection in tweets, so if I starred your suicide note, I probably thought you were being sarcastic. Oops.
I'm the Lindsay Lohan of repeatedly fucking up in life and not having anyone interested in seeing me naked.
What if the dick's so good you actually enjoy sucking it? Can you still even call it a blow job? Maybe blow hobby? Blow privilege? Blow joy?
If you're proud of your life and the way you're living it, don't ever let anyone else make you feel ashamed about it. It's YOUR life.
Just think, if girls making the duck face in pictures would just purse their lips a little bit tighter, we could call it "the asshole face."
Legally and officially Princess Kim. My family and friends are my life.
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