This relationship is over. Over. ~dumping someone via walkie talkie.

One of life's great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say "Great minds think alike".

I think Spiderman would be adored by women worldwide if he actually killed spiders.

Whatever doesn't kill you makes me angrier.

I love meeting new people and pretending to be a normal person.

"My imaginary friend is better than yours!" ~religion.

Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.

Joe Pesci owes $14 trillion to his swear jar.

Australians say babe. Americans say baby. British people don't show affection.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will just make me cry at night.

I'm not an unreasonable person but both armrests in cinema seats are always mine.

I had a Twitter dad but he left me when I was just an egg.

Why is therapy so popular in the US? In England, we just repress our feelings and slowly let our souls rot. Much better option.

Everybody shut up cos my Twitter crush just tweeted something. Say what you want, baby.

No girl is ever looking when I pierce the hole of my juice carton in one clean swish.

I take breakfast very cerealsy.

Hi new people to Twitter. You know where you are? You're in the jungle, baby. You're gonna die.

I'm at that awkward age between 0 and death.

I tell women I can't open that jar because I have a headache.

I would hate to be a weather man and be married. Nobody wants to be wrong all the time.